The jokes
Why didn't the chair cross the road? Because it was a chair.
Who are the fastest readers in the world?
9/11 victims: they went through a hundred stories in 10 seconds.
Why did the man put himself on fire?
To BURN Calories.
I heard an unusual word the other day: "Opaque."
Unfortunately, what it means is unclear.
What is the best way to end a cookbook?
And that’s a wrap!
Why was the dog staying in the shade?
Because it didn't want to be a hot dog!
So I saw the police. I yelled, "Dumper, get into the fucking yumper!"
Why was the Burnside Bridge so hot?
Because it's on the burning side.
What did Santa say when he got to the club? Ho, ho, ho!
Where did Sally go during the bombing? Everywhere.
The shovel was a groundbreaking invention.
A man went to the doctor, and the doctor said, "What happened to you?"
The man replied and said, "I broke my arm in two places!"
Then the doctor replied with, "DON’T GO BACK TO THOSE TWO PLACES!!"
What’s the difference between cereal and a baby?
I personally think cereal is not nutritious.
Why did the turkey cross the road?
Because it was the chicken's day off!
What’s the most artistic fruit?
Vincent mango.
What did the icicle say to the snow?
"Why do you have to be so soft?"
What is a skeleton's favorite instrument?
The trom-bone.
Why did Jimmy throw his clock out the window? Because he wanted to see time fly.
Why did the mummy leave his tomb after 3000 years?
Because he thought he was old enough to leave home.
That is one of the very, very, very, very, VERY WORST jokes ever.
Q: The person who makes it doesn't say what it is.
The person who receives it doesn't know what it is.
The person who knows what it is doesn't want it.
What am I?
A: A baby.