The jokes
Which nut is the worst for your diet?
Donuts.
Where do nuts go for a quick energy boost? The nearest Shell station.
Why did the boy leave his chestnuts in the rain?
He wanted them rusted.
What do Philippe Petit and New York citizens have in common?
They both walk(ed) over the Twin Towers.
I have to say that Halloween is my favorite day...
Every time they see me, kids and mothers run away...
I don’t have a costume so please don’t reprimand...
When I open up the door, I’ve got my penis in my hand.
Me explaining to the school nurse that ice can't cure everything.
Nurse: hOW DaRe yOu OpPosE mE mORtAl!
Dad: Boy, come sit in this hole while I brace the ground.
Boy: I don't want to see Grandpa, he scares me!
Quoting the great Jimmy Carr: "When I cook, I make sure there are vegetarian options. They can make do, or they can fuck off."
You learn something new every day.
Like the people in 9/11 are the world's fastest readers; they went through 100s in under a second.
What's the food orphans can't eat?
Family-sized ice cream.
What's the difference between an egg and a good wank?
You can beat an egg.
What did the baby corn say to the mama corn? Where's popcorn?
Life asked death, "Why do people choose you over me?"
Death replied, "Because you're the beautiful lie, and I'm the painful truth."
If you kayak with a cap on and the kayak capsizes, whether or not the cap falls off depends on the cap size.
Why is the queen in chess the most powerful piece? Because the board looks like a kitchen floor.
Why did the cow cross the road? To go to the moooooovies! Nyahahahahahahahahaha!
Why did the question come to life? Answer: The adding, subtracting, times, dividing by, and equals signs came to life and squished pages.
A man and a child walk into a forest.
The kid says, "Um, sir, it's getting dark, and I'm getting kinda scared."
The man says, "Yeah, well, think how I feel. I have to walk back out alone."
If you get out of the shower clean, how does your towel get dirty?
If wishes were horses, Beggars would ride.
If turnips were watches, I would wear one by my side.
And if if's and an's were pots and pans, The tinker would never work!