Orchestra jokes

What’s the definition of “perfect pitch?”

Throwing a viola into the dumpster without hitting the rim.

Why don’t violists play hide and seek?

Because no one will look for them.

What’s the difference between a violin and a viola?

The viola burns longer.

What’s the difference between an onion and a viola?

No one cries when they cut up the viola.

Why do violists stand for long periods outside of people's houses? They can't find the key and don't know when to come in.

Why do violists smile when they play? Because ignorance is bliss, and they don't know what can't hurt them.

What kind of band never plays music?

A conductor was conducting a song. At the end, he threw his conductor's stick and killed someone. He was put to the electric chair, but nothing happened. They asked why he didn't die, and he replied, "I'm a bad conductor."

Did you hear about the cello player who dreamed he was performing Bolero?

He woke up and found out it was true.

What do super fancy music conductors wear?

A Louis baton.

I had an uncle who was a conductor. He wasn’t a symphony conductor, nor was he a street car conductor, nor was he a train conductor. He was struck by lightning.

My favorite instrument? The TromBONE, of course.

What is a paedophile’s favourite symphony?

Amadeus Mozart’s special flute in A minor.

I would like to dedicate this song to a friend of mine, who was run over last week and is in hospital.

The wheels on the bus go round and round!

What song do orphans hate the most? "We are family."

The Somalian Olympics Team has just apologized to the Olympic Committee after realizing that sailing and shooting were two separate events.

According to a recent survey, replacing words with the names of musical instruments in a sentence often goes undetected.