Orchestra jokes
What do super fancy music conductors wear?
A Louis baton.
What kind of band never plays music?
Did you hear about the cello player who dreamed he was performing Bolero?
He woke up and found out it was true.
Why do violists smile when they play? Because ignorance is bliss, and they don't know what can't hurt them.
Why don’t violists play hide and seek?
Because no one will look for them.
Why do violists stand for long periods outside of people's houses? They can't find the key and don't know when to come in.
What’s the definition of “perfect pitch?”
Throwing a viola into the dumpster without hitting the rim.
What’s the difference between an onion and a viola?
No one cries when they cut up the viola.
What’s the difference between a violin and a viola?
The viola burns longer.
I had an uncle who was a conductor. He wasn’t a symphony conductor, nor was he a street car conductor, nor was he a train conductor. He was struck by lightning.
A conductor was conducting a song. At the end, he threw his conductor's stick and killed someone. He was put to the electric chair, but nothing happened. They asked why he didn't die, and he replied, "I'm a bad conductor."
What is a paedophile’s favourite symphony?
Amadeus Mozart’s special flute in A minor.
My favorite instrument? The TromBONE, of course.