Miss jokes
Michael J. Fox goes in to get a haircut. He comes out missing an ear.
Why couldn't the kid play on his laptop?
Because he has no arms and no laptop and no legs and no head and no home and no money and got shot.
Why did the fat man miss his flight?
His body weight exceeded the weight limit.
"My love, I missed you."
"Aww, I missed you too."
"I did not miss *that* time!"
Miss Drake, can I go to the bathroom? I need to piss.
"Billy, we don't say piss. We say urinate. Do you understand?"
"Yes, Miss Drake."
"Very well. Now use the word urinate in a sentence."
"Miss Drake, urinate, but if you had any tits you'd be a ten."
If a deaf person is missing fingers, is it a speech impediment or an accent?
Yo mama's so—oh wait, you don't have one.
Danny just bought a new game from Steam for a penny.
About one hour later, Danny asks his mother: "Mom, I am not able to start the game."
Mom asked, "Why?"
Danny answers: "It says 'Press any key' on the screen, but I can't find an 'Any' button on my keyboard."
A father tells his 10-year-old son...
"Sprinkle a pinch of gunpowder on your cereal every morning and you will have a very long life."
His son followed his father's advice every morning without missing a day until he died at the age of 186, leaving behind 28 children, 67 grandchildren, 148 great-grandchildren, and a 7-foot crater where the crematory used to be.
What's bigger than Kurt Cobain's head?
What do you mean? He doesn't have one.
It's okay if you miss while saying "Kobe" because he didn't make it either.
Yo mama is so fat, when she walked past the TV, I missed three episodes.
I'm the type to blow up half of my house to kill a spider... and still miss.
New teacher: "I was an orphan when I was young."
Student: "But!"
Teacher: "Is something missing?"
Student: "Your parents!"
What is missing on an orphanage computer? The motherboard.
Why can't the English play chess? Because they lost their queen. And why can't the US play chess? Because they lost their towers.
Your mama so fat, when she walked past the TV, you missed two episodes.
Q. What do you get when you cross Vince Li with a bus? A. A whole lot of people who wished they'd missed the bus that day.
If you look for something for 10 days and a woman walks in, opens a cabinet, and finds it:
So, just hire a female pope for the Holy Grail that has been missing for 500 years so she just opens a cabinet and she finds it.
"When I heard that not arguing or fighting in a relationship represents a lack of interest, that's when my girlfriend started missing her makeup box."