House jokes

I sold my vacuum the other day.

All I got was dust and my mom's wig.

I was in a haunted house today. Nothing scared me until I reached the last room, where I saw the scariest Halloween ghost I've ever seen. He took my pens and ghosted. I was told that I saw Pristiano Penaldo and I was lucky enough to see him because he performs once in a blue moon.

Question: What does baseball have that orphans don't?

Answer: A home.

Little Johnny came running into the house and asked, “Mommy, can little girls have babies?”

“No,” said his mom, “Of course not.”

Little Johnny then ran back outside and his mom heard him yell to his friends, “It’s okay! We can play that game!”

Orphans maybe got phones, but they don't have a home button.

What do you call a house with dog hair?

A shed.

What TV series do orphans hate?

"House, M.D."

What's black and sits at the top of the stairs?

Stephen Hawking during a house fire.

What do you call an orphan? No home-o.

Don’t like this post, or else I will go to your house and eat you! 😈

Yo mom's so fat, I went over to her house a few years ago and wanted to watch TV.

So I asked for the TV remote, and she's still trying to get it!

It's really funny, read through everything slowly.

Say "I'm a man" after everything I say.

I went to the bar. "I'm a man." You saw this woman. "I'm a man." You guys married. "I'm a man." You guys bought a house. "I'm a man." You guys went to bed. "I'm a man," you said. "I'm a man," she said. "I'm a man."

This is why orphans are dangerous with cardboard. They either start eating it or making it into a house and hallucinating that they have a family.

So I threw out the cardboard and said, "You have to stay in reality. Fantasies aren't real. You can't and will never get a home."

Next day, they make cardboard parents, so I threw that away and said, "Pay attention to reality; you will never get parents."

Next day, they start acting like parents and tell me what to do. Again, I said, "Snap to reality. You will never be a parent!" The orphan responded with, "Oh, really?! How so?" I just simply said, "You don't have a house and parents. You literally like eating cardboard, and then you make parents out of it. You like to eat old people!"

Your breath is so bad that when Santa came to your house for your present, he brought toothpaste.

If you go to someone's house and see the flag of the former Soviet Union hanging on the wall,

that's a big red flag!

I'm going to burn Braden Mitchell Kniffen's house down.

Ariana Grande agrees with me on something: women belong in the kitchen and bedroom.

A father bought his depressed son a new house, and then pointing at it, he said, "Hang in there, son!"

What movie do orphans hate? Full House 🏠

African Kid: "Mom, can we have water?"

Mom: "Sure, it's in the house."

African Kid: *Goes to the fridge and opens the door searching for cold water*

The fridge: ERROR 404 Water Not Found