HI jokes

Why did Stephan Hawking not turn up to the meeting?

His internet connection ran out.

I wanted to hire a butler for my new mansion in downtown LA. As he arrived, he introduced himself and I discovered it was Ghostionel Pessi.

I asked him why is he working as a butler? He told me that “a big game is coming up so he needs to refine his bottleling skills.” DAMN PESSI!

Why does the emo's mom like taking her son to the store?

Because the cashier can scan his wrist for discounts!

Ricardo Medina, one of the former red Power Rangers, pleaded guilty to killing his roommate with a sword.

One day I seen a little boy walking in the grocery store, so I asked if he was okay, and he said yes. I asked where his parents were, and he said his mom died years ago and his dad is stuck in the milk aisle.

What did the magician do as a trick in his show?

Make your doubts about magic... DISAPPEAR!

If a gay person is vegan, how does he have sex? He will keep getting meat stuck in his ass and in his throat.

When you have to fight an emo kid, but he brings his friends, so you gotta fight the Suicide Squad. But you gotta get the boys to help you.

Why does Aaron chug beer on a Wednesday?

Because his dad beats him every single day because he has scoliosis.

Stephen Hawking's best subjects were Physics and Maths. His worst was P.E.

My job is so amazing.

Today a man asked me to check his balance, so I pushed him over. His balance isn't good.

John Wilkes Booth, to his fiancee: "I have an important role to play tonight at Ford's Theater."

Fiancee: "Break a leg!"

Hi, welcome to Dave's Orphanage, you make 'em, we take 'em!

A sister went to her brother's room and says,

"I'm scared, can I sleep with you?"

"Yes, sis."

"What is this?" (pointing at his dick)

"My pet snake."

"Can I pet it?"

"Yes."

He wakes up in a hospital.

"What happened?"

"Your snake spit on me, so I bit his head off."

"You dummy!"

"Whaaat?"

Hi Jake!

Hi Manuel.

What can't a sniper say to his wife?

"I missed you."

Hi dude!

When you go to the priest's basement, you will always find the pope's body and his children in the corner of the room.

I was dying when I called my sister and she said, "Hi, this is Pepperoni's pizza and abortion clinic; your loss, our sauce. How may I help you today?"