Dark Humor: Mom: See that guy over there with no hands, tell him to clap Son: Mom, I'm blind Mom: Exactly Inspired by my derp other half
Why did the cow jump over the moon?
Because the farmer had cold hands!
There was this guy asked a girl how much are your hand jobs $25k how much are your blowjobs $50k how much do you charge to have sex on the street? REPLY; i would if i had a pussy
My wife is a optimist our first night together she handed me a magnum xl condom. I didn’t know what to do so I made her a balloon animal 🎈 🦒
How can you make a orphans hand bleed
Reel them to clap until there parent come home
What did the one-handed man have for breakfast this morning?
Finger food
Someone handed me a knife the other day and told me that it was very smart.
I made sure it didn't outsmart me.
How did Hellen Keller’s parents punish her? They handed her a basketball as told her to “read this book”.
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts,' which, on one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
An Irishman, Englishman, and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness.
Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.
The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away, and demands another pint.
The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.
The Irishman reaches into the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers, and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"
What did the kid with no hands get for Christmas? Gloves! Just kidding he hasn’t opened it yet
My teacher asked what was the worst time you got paddled by your parents my one friend said that he got in trouble and got whacked by a stick i raised my hand and said that my dad whacked me with his dick
roses are red, violets are blue, i have five fingers, and the middle one is for u.
one day there were these 3 cow boys sitting next to a fire and they were telling each other about their adventures well the first cow boy said i tangled with a bull that killed 6 people so i wrestled that son of a bitch to the ground with my bare hands the second cow boy said that's nothing yesterday i was walking on a trale and came across a rattler so i picked it up ,bit its head off and drank all his venom in one gulp the third cow boy remained quiet stering the embers of the fire with his penis
Steven Hawkings Sesh Cave, Entry 50p, Guaranteed Budweiser and Ectasy. Maybe A Gram of Heroin, You'll most likely see a mental 90 year old guy absolutely going mental on the dance floor with a Stella in one hand and another on his crotch.
The American salute start's with your hand being facing flat towards the ground on your head. The British salute starts with your hand against your head just like the American Salute. The French salute starts your hands in the air. The Saudi salute starts with you being bent over with a camel tongue in your ass.
Once I went to a museum and over heard someone speaking to an employee for information.
"These are lying clocks, they tell how many lies a person tells."
"oh cool"
"this is mother Teresa's clock, the clock hasn't moved because she never lied."
"Makes sense"
"This is Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands only moved twice indicating he only lied twice."
"Where's Trump's clock"
"Oh, we're using it as a ceiling fan."
And then I burst out laughing 'cause it's so true.
How to give a good hand job?
Bop it Pull it Twist it Harder Better Faster Stronger You put your left hand in You put your left hand out You put your left hand in and shake it all about
None of you ever touch my penis
imagine the russians showing up late to the 1917 revoloution with a tsarbucks in hand. they were late so I guess they weren't russian. They were probaly stalin.
A thief walks up to a man in a suit and pulls out a gun. The thief says: "Give me your money." The man in the suit turns around surprised. He raises his hands and says: "But, wait! You can't do that, I am a Congressman!" The thief replies: "Oh, sorry. Give me MY money."
