Father Jokes

Father and mother are making love in the bedroom. Mother is on top of father. Suddenly the son enters the bedroom. Everyone is embarrassed, of course.

The next morning, the mother takes the little boy aside and says, "I'll tell you about what you saw yesterday, you know Dad has a big belly and that's why mom sometimes sits on top of that belly to push it flat." . Says that little boy: "But mama, that does not make any difference." "Oh no?" the mom asks. "No," says the little boy, "When you go to work, the neighbor comes, and she puts herself on her knees for Dad, and sheblows his belly up again!"

I will always rember my dads last words...

oh wait i've never them.

A father of a young girl comes and meet the doctor. Father : Doctor...... How is my daughter's report ? Doctor : Congrats..... Your daughter is pregnant. Father : WTF ?????? Mt daughter is 10 years old and unmarried.

Daughter: I know this is weird but I feel like that someone is watching me when I am sleeping.

Father: Sorry

Someone came to me and said “your dad is gay”. I just said “wait. You know where my dad is? Please tell me!”

There was this kid who was going to take a girl to the dance. He had fancy clothes, fancy shoes, etc. Finally, the day of the dance came. He happily drove over to the girl's house. When he got there, he said to her father, "thank you for this moment, have a great night".

At the dance, the girl asks the boy, "can I have some food?" He gladly replies "yes" and walks over to the food trucks, only to see a huge line. So he waits in line for like 30 minutes. He comes back to the girl, and she says, "thank you so much, I really needed something to eat". Then she asks for some sweets and a soda. Again the boy waits in line for about 30-45 minutes. Then he comes back, and she says, "thank you SOOOO much". Then she says she has one more request. The boy, (now clearly agitated) says, "what is it?" She says, can I have some punch? SO the boy walks over to the punch table, but to his surprise, there was no punch line.

Son: “mom, is there a thing called «friendship» between a man and a woman ?» Mother: «No Son, unless if he’s gay» Son : «So your friend is gay ?» Mother with herself : «How did he see me with michael omg if my husband discovered my cheating he will kill me» Mother: «Mmm.. Yes» Father loudly: «YES!!!» Mother: «What in the hell ? Are you gay ?» Father with himself: «Am i an idiot why did i yell?! if she discovered I’m gay and her son was made by Paul’s semens she will kill me» Father: «No what are saying ? I’m just talking with myself»

*A few hours later*

Mother: «I will go to visit my mother» Father: «Me too I will go to visit my mother» Son: «Not me too I will go to stud with my friends»

the mother and the father goes to michael’s house and they found their son playing with Michael and Paul is recording them and saying : «that’s why I love you my actual son oh only if your mother knows».

*The End* :D

what happens when you accidentally taught your child to call every man daddy?

you find the real one.

My dad told me i'm a failure... I failed a math's test. Good thing theres a pole outside my house.

A Pedphile brings his Eight year old Daughter to the doctors office. The doctor asked her if she would like some Candy? Her father replies please no more candy for her i gave her enough today.

A woman goes into labor with her child. The doctor says that they have invented a new device to transfer the pain of childbirth to the father. He asks if it is okay to use the new device. The couple agrees, and so he turns the pain to the father to 10%. The man feels nothing. They then bump it up to 20%. He still feels nothing. They keep doing this until they have the machine up to 100%. The man still felt nothing so they go home happy, until they find the milkman dead on the porch.

My father is like Houdini, when he heard his girlfriend was pregnant he disappeared.

A Chinese boy never met his parents after they were killed in WW2, so when he learned where they were buried he quickly rushed there.

He sat down in front of their graves and prayed "I want to see your face again mommy...". A miracle happened, his mother rose up from the graves and hugged him.

The boy cried then said "I want to see you too dad". He looked at his father's grave but nothing happened

Suddenly a Japanese soldier came up behind him and asked "were you looking for me?"

Stop making 9/11 jokes, my father died in a plane crash.

Best pilot in Saudi Arabia.

A family of 3, a dad, a mom, and a 12 year old son are driving in the car when the dad says, “How about we play a little game of two truths and a lie. It’ll be fun.” “Ok,” the mom and son reply happily. “Let me start,” says the son. “Ok, go ahead,” replies the mom. “I hate video games, I hate school, and I love junk food,” says the son. “Ooh ooh! You do love junk food, you do hate school, and you don’t hate video games.” Says the mom. “Your right!” He replies. “I’ll go next,” says the dad. I love your mom, you’re adopted, and my dad almost died in WWII.” “Hmm... Your dad did not almost die in WWII, obviously I’m not adopted, and you do love my mom.” Says the son. “The lie is the second on.” Says the sad.

Papa: Johnny Johnny Johnny: Yes Papa? Papa: Open wide Johnny: HAHAHA Papa: *unzips pants* Johnny: *crying* No Papa

At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.

Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”

Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”

A father and a son were painting pictures together, the son and father were drawing the exact same thing to a T and the son said "what happened to your hand?" looking at the scar tissue near the father's knuckle, the father replied with "you know what happened, you were there." the son continues to deny this until they both finish their paintings - they're exactly the same.

The father passes out for a few hours and wakes up to find that there's only one painting.

So a kid walks in the house and says: " mommy, mommy, I found daddy". And the mother says: " stop digging around in the garden, and let you Father rest in peace.

Boy goes to Confession Boy " What are you doing father" Priest "Its called masturbation and soon you will be doing it" Boy " Why do you say that father" Priest " Cause my hand is getting tired"