Do jokes
Why do we tell actors to "break a leg"?
Because every scene has a cast!
Q: What do you do when your dishwasher stops working?
A: You slap her.
Why do cats leave scratches on arms? They don't; I do it myself.
Do midgets still start their childhood stories off with, "When I was little"?
What pictures do orphans take? Selfies.
Memes
What do you call a group of brothers who fuck one another?
Super Smash Bros.
What do tomatoes 🍅 learn to do in a race?
Ketchup!
Why do orphans use water for their cereal?
Because their dad never came back with the milk.
What do Princess Diana and a landmine have in common? Both are easy to lay. Both costly and time-consuming to get rid of.
What did Saint Peter say to Diana when she got to the pearly gates? "Wipe that Merc off your face."
One day you see a girl climb a pole and ask her, "Why are you climbing that pole?" "Because a boy paid me to." "He did that to see your underwear." "Oh. Ok."
The next day you see her do the same thing. "Why are you doing the same thing?" "Well, I got him this time. I did not wear underwear."
What did they do with Michael Jackson when he died?
They melted him down and turned him into Lego, so kids could play with him for once.
What do planets use to download music?
Nep-tunes.
What do planets read?
Comet books.
What do you call a retreat in war?
A backup plan.
What do you call someone in a wheelchair during a California fire?
A steamed vegetable.
What do maths and 9/11 have in common?
They both prove two parallel lines can be intercepted by a plane.
So, I was sitting with my little brother and talking about our dreams. "What do you wanna be when you grow up?" I asked him. He answered, "A doctor!" I wanted to tease him so I said, "I wouldn't be treated by a doctor like you." I was hoping he would get mad or something, but instead, he calmly replied, "Brother, I said doctor. Not a vet."
So, there was a kid named Bobby, and he was writing notes. He asked his mother, who was on a phone call, "what is one plus one?" She said, "I HATE YOU." Then he asked his brother what is 2 + 2, who was watching a Batman movie, said, "NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU BATMAN!" Then he asked his dad what is 4 plus 4, who was playing football, said, "85 SMACK EM DOWN!" Then he asked his sister 8+8, (she was playing with barbies), and she said, "My buns are burning." Then he went to school and told her teacher the first note he wrote down. The teacher sent him to the principal’s office. The principal yelled, "WHO DO YOU THINK YOU ARE?!" Bobby said, "NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU NU BATMAN!" The principal yelled, "HOW MANY SPANKINGS DO YOU WANT?!" Then he said, "85 SMACK EM DOWN!" Then he walked away from the principal’s office and said, "my buns are burning."
How do you drown a blonde? You tape a mirror to the bottom of a 13-foot deep pool.
What do you call a group of white people running down a hill?
An avalanche.