Crisis Intervention jokes

I called a Suicide Helpline, but they didn't help me commit suicide.

Tbh they really left me hanging there.

I called the suicide hotline, and he suggested I draw on myself to distract myself.

I replied I'd get ink poisoning.

Wouldn't recommend, the police came.

When I called the suicidal hotline in Iraq, they asked if I could drive the car.

I called a suicide hotline in Iraq... They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

Two kids were beating up a kid in an alley, so I stepped in to help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

When I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

When you're fighting with the emo kid and he brings his friends. Now you gotta fight the suicide squad.

The suicide hotline didn't even give me advice on how to kill myself. Not helpful at all.

How do you help a suicidal person cheer up?

You tell them it's a leap of faith.