Crisis Intervention jokes

I called a Suicide Helpline, but they didn't help me commit suicide.

Tbh they really left me hanging there.

I called the suicide hotline, and he suggested I draw on myself to distract myself.

I replied I'd get ink poisoning.

Wouldn't recommend, the police came.

When I called the suicidal hotline in Iraq, they asked if I could drive the car.

I called a suicide hotline in Iraq... They got excited and asked if I could drive a truck.

So I meet with a therapist on a weekly basis. We talk about my depression and how it's been getting worse. Recently, I've been advised about my condition, and how I've been discussing with her about being suicidal. She's been very helpful throughout it. I was even told I can pay in advance from now on, so I don't have to worry about it later.

The suicide hotline didn't even give me advice on how to kill myself. Not helpful at all.

Two kids were beating up a kid in an alley, so I stepped in to help. He didn’t stand a chance against the three of us.

Friend: *hits head* Others: How many fingers am I holding up? Me to friend: How suicidal am I on a scale from one to ten? Friend: Ten Me: He's fine guys.

I called that Rape Advice Line earlier today. Unfortunately, it's only for victims.