Nut

Anonymous

Why did the nut go to the bank? To cashew its check.

Bank

Anonymous

So a lady came up to me today at the bank and she asked me to check her Balance so I pushed her over

Car

wiley69420

what happens when a black person gets in a car? the check oil light turns on

Name

Ello

Hey y’all! I jut finished some hw and am watching some tv,just though i would check in with y’all! i saw that the video got a comment for me to do a name reveal, and if someone comments this video or the other one, i will totally do it! make sure to do it if you want to know my name!!! and also here is the quote of the day:

Stay positive, Work hard, and make it happen.

Love you guys so much! <3

Guy

Ello

Hey guys! Ello here with a update! I know I haven’t been doing a lot of jokes lately so I will make sure to do that, but I have something to say! I am going to Disneyland today!! So here is the plan. Today we are going to leave around 2 and go to downtown disney for dinner and check into our hotel and stuff like that, then we are going to wake up bright and early tomorrow and go to Disneyland and stay til midniht, and then on Monday we are going to California Adventure! I am missing school on Monday! I’m so excited! And don’t worry, I will make sure to tell you guys all about it when we get back. Love y’all!

Orphan

Anonymous

how do orphan jokes start?

checking your shoulder

Roast

Anonymous123

You are more disappointing than an unsalted pretzel.

  1. Light travels faster than sound, which is why you seemed bright until you spoke.

  2. We were happily married for one month, but unfortunately, we’ve been married for 10 years.

  3. Your kid is so annoying he makes his Happy Meal cry.

  4. You have so many gaps in your teeth it looks like your tongue is in jail.

  5. Your secrets are always safe with me. I never even listen when you tell me them.

  6. I’ll never forget the first time we met. But I’ll keep trying.

  7. I forgot the world revolves around you. My apologies! How silly of me.

  8. I only take you everywhere I go just so I don’t have to kiss you goodbye.

  9. Hold still. I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

  10. Our kid must have gotten his brain from you! I still have mine.

  11. Your face makes onions cry.

  12. The only way my husband would ever get hurt during an activity is if the TV exploded.

  13. You look so pretty. Not at all gross today.

  14. It’s impossible to underestimate you.Her teeth were so bad she could eat an apple through a fence.

  15. I’m not insulting you; I’m describing you.

  16. I’m not a nerd; I’m just smarter than you.

  17. Don’t be ashamed of who you are. That’s your parents’ job.

  18. Your face is just fine, but we’ll have to put a bag over that personality.

  19. You bring everyone so much joy… when you leave the room.

  20. I thought of you today. It reminded me to take out the trash.

  21. Don’t worry about me. Worry about your eyebrows.

  22. You are the human version of period cramps.

  23. If you’re going to be two-faced, at least make one of them pretty.

  24. You are like a cloud. When you disappear, it’s a beautiful day.

  25. I’d rather treat my baby’s diaper rash than have lunch with you.

  26. Don’t worry — the first 40 years of childhood are always the hardest.

  27. I may love to shop, but I will never buy your bull.

  28. I love what you’ve done with your hair. How do you get it to come out of your nostrils like that?

  29. OH MY GOD! IT SPEAKS!

  30. “Check your lipstick before you come for me.” — Naomi Smalls, RuPaul’s Drag Race

  31. “It looks like she went into Claire’s Boutique, fell on a sale rack, and said, ‘I’ll take it!’” — Bianca Del Rio, RuPaul’s Drag Race

  32. “Is your ass jealous of the amount of shit that comes out of your mouth?” — Jamie McGuire, Beautiful Oblivion

  33. “Go back to Party City, where you belong!” — Phi Phi O’Hara, RuPaul’s Drag Race

  34. “Where’d you get your outfits, girl, American Apparently Not?” — Trixie Mattel, RuPaul’s Drag Race

  35. “Impersonating Beyoncé is not your destiny, child.” — RuPaul, RuPaul’s Drag Race

  36. “Don’t get bitter, just get better.” — Alyssa Edwards, RuPaul’s Drag Race

  37. Child, I’ve forgotten more than you ever knew.

  38. You just might be why the middle finger was invented in the first place.

  39. I know you are, but what am I?

  40. I see no evil, and I definitely don’t hear your evil.

  41. You have miles to go before you reach mediocre.

  42. When you look in the mirror, say hi to the clown you see in there for me, would ya?

  43. Bye, hope to see you never.

  44. Complete this sentence for me: “I never want to see you ____!”

  45. Remember that time you were saying that thing I didn’t care about? Yeah… that is now.

  46. I was today years old when I realized I didn’t like you.

  47. N’Sync said it best: “BYE, BYE, BYE.”

  48. Wish I had a flip phone so I could slam it shut on this conversation.

  49. How many licks till I get to the interesting part of this conversation?

  50. Wow, your maker really didn’t waste time giving you a personality, huh?

  51. You’re cute. Like my dog. He also always chases his tail for entertainment.

  52. Someday you’ll go far… and I really hope you stay there.

  53. Oh, I’m sorry. Did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?

  54. You bring everyone so much joy! You know, when you leave the room. But, still.

  55. Oops, my bad. I could’ve sworn I was dealing with an adult.

  56. Did I invite you to the barbecue? Then why are you all up in my grill?

  57. I’m an acquired taste. If you don’t like me, acquire some taste.

  58. Somewhere out there is a tree tirelessly producing oxygen for you. You owe it an apology.

  59. Yeah? Well, you smell like hot dog water.

  60. Thumbs down

  61. That sounds like a you problem.

  62. Beauty is only skin deep, but ugly goes clean to the bone.

  63. Oh, you don’t like being treated the way you treat me? That must suck.

  64. “I’ve been called worse things by better men.” FUN FACT: Pierre Trudeau, a Canadian politician, used this clap back after learning that Richard Nixon had insulted him. The political shade!

  65. Well, the jerk store called. They’re running out of you.

  66. “What, like it’s hard?” — Elle Woods, Legally Blonde

  67. Sorry, not sorry.

  68. I’m busy right now; can I ignore you another time?

  69. If you have a problem with me, write the problem on a piece of paper, fold it, and shove it up your ass.

  70. You have an entire life to be a

Cry

watersharky

Russian Santa Claus- You better watch out, You better not cry, cause if you do I will stab your fucking eye, Russian Santa Claus does not fuck around. He’s making a list, He’s checking it twice… You better leave out some Vodka with ice!

Orphan

Anonymous

why is orphan so scared of the dark they don’t have a dad to check the closet,

Orphan

Anonymous

why are orphan so scared of the dark the dad cant check the closet for them.

Little Johnny

Anonymous

A teacher was teaching her second-grade class about the government, so for homework that one day, she told her students to ask their parents what the government is. When Little Johnny got home that day, he went up to his dad and ask him what the government was. His dad thought for a while and answered, “Look at it this way: I’m the president, your mom is Congress, your maid is the workforce, you are the people and your baby brother is the future.’’ “I still don’t get it” responded the Little Johnny. “Why don’t you sleep on it then? Maybe you’ll understand it better,” said the dad. “Okay then…good night” said Little Jonny went off to bed. In the middle of the night, Little Johnny was awakened by his baby brother’s crying. He went to his baby brother’s crib and found that his baby brother had taken a crap in his diaper. So Little Johnny went to his parent’s room to get help. When he got to his parent’s bedroom, he looked through the keyhole to check if his parents were asleep. Through the keyhole, he saw his mom loudly snoring, but his dad wasn’t there. So he went to the maid’s room. When he looked through the maid’s room keyhole, he saw his dad having sex with his maid. Little Johnny was surprised, but then he just realized something and thinks aloud, ‘‘OH!! Now I understand the government! The President is screwing the workforce, Congress is fast asleep, nobody cares about the people, and the future is full of s**t!’’

Toe

watersharky

Wash It Away- By- Bradley Lewis(watersharky) and Ben Lewis and Watersharky Music Productions-Why does it always feel like I’m The one that’s had a bad day? Whether I’m stuck in traffic or Showing up to work late Oh this 9 to 5 feels like 9 to Forever been working all week For a jerk that thinks they can Say whatever they want to me I’ll just bite my tongue for a Couple more days Soon I’ll be in that island sun Surfing those waves I need the beach I love the ocean Put my feet in the sand Watch the earth in motion Ya had a bad week ya had a bad Day Take it to the shoreside and wash It away Oh yeah You gotta wash it away Finally I’m here and I cant even Stop myself from smiling Somebody hand me a beer and I’ll check the girls on the island Don’t miss my 9 to 5 Living like a local on this island time I got those sandy toes and Nobody knows jump in the Ocean and just go with the flow I’ll miss my sandy toes I’ve got to go back before you Know this island is my home I need the beach I love the ocean Put my feet in the sand Watch the earth in motion Ya had a bad week ya had a bad Day Take it to the shoreside and wash It away Oh yeah You gotta wash it away Wash it away I need the beach I love the ocean Put my feet in the sand Watch the earth in motion Ya had a bad week ya had a bad Day Take it to the shoreside and wash It away Oh yeah You gotta Wash it away Wash it away

Orphanage

That kid you know in class 11

Some kid- hey did you know theres an orphanage down the street?! Me-NO WAY! Wanna check it out? Kid-NO ITS HAUNTED!! Me- Haunted my ass lets go! Kid- wait isnt your house also haunted??? Me- yea

Baby

Air Attack Productions

Can’t anyone relate to this? BEAT WATERSHARKY!!! -Oops!-By- Air Attack Productions and Yung Gravy-Ayy, supercalifragilisticexpiali dope shit Supercalifragi lick my ex be on some ho shit Superman, I get dem bands but ain’t gon’ buy you roses Super-duper get them cougars, took my wrist and froze it Super-duper hoes Y’all got Oompa Loompa hoes I ain’t never knew ya hoes Prolly still ran through 'em, though

Oh, wait, wait, I, I do know your ho? You talkin’ ‘bout, you talkin’ 'bout Tracy? Nah, you mean like, like, Tracy with the ass? Tracy with the, with the Honda? Shit, well

Oops, baby Fuck up on your bitch, like oopsy daisy Never knew that was your boo, baby Hit her five times in the coupe, Mercedes, whoopsie daisy Oops, baby Gravy hit my bitch, yeah, whoopsie daisy I just tryna hit, it’s my duty, baby Sippin’ on the goose, like Boosie, baby Yeah, I said oops, baby Fuck up on your bitch, like oopsy daisy Never knew that was your boo, baby Hit her five times in the coupe, Mercedes, whoopsie daisy Oops, baby Gravy hit my bitch, yeah, whoopsie daisy I just tryna hit, it’s my duty, baby Sippin’ on the goose, like Boosie, baby

Lil’ bitch, I’m happy and I know it so I clap them fuckin’ cheeks, yeah I’m happy and I show it to your momma in the sheets And I’m happy she’s a freak ho, happy so my teeth glow Yeah, my bitch elite, I be clapping every week My neck, my back, got your momma on my sack My checks, my racks, it’s the return of the motherfuckin’ mack And I stay with the pack, though Clap, clap, then I’m out the backdoor Lil’ Pillsbury, I stack dough Walkin’ with a limp, like a crack ho

Yeah, I said oops, baby Fuck up on your bitch, like oopsy daisy Never knew that was your boo, baby Hit her five times in the Coupe, Mercedes, whoopsie daisy Oops, baby Gravy hit my bitch, yeah, whoopsie daisy I just tryna hit, it’s my duty, baby Sippin’ on the goose, like Boosie, baby Yeah, I said oops, baby Fuck up on your bitch, like oopsy daisy Never knew that was your boo, baby Hit her five times in the Coupe, Mercedes, whoopsie daisy Oops, baby Gravy hit my bitch, yeah, whoopsie daisy I just tryna hit, it’s my duty, baby Sippin’ on the goose, like Boosie, baby

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Train

watersharky

Heres a Song That Describes My Old Life-By-watersharky Productions- My buddies think I’m on the lake Boss thinks I’ve been sick for days And mama’s probably on her way ‘Cause I ain’t picked up the phone I’ve been a million places But they’re all up in my head Over-drinking, overthinking ever since you left I’ve been gone, I’ve been gone I’ve been sittin’ on the couch watching TV all day long All day long, I’ve been tryin’ to figure out how a good thing went wrong Faster than that freight train, farther than that airplane Sadder than a country song Headed down that highway, anywhere but my way Ever since you moved on, I’ve been gone Took a trip down memory lane Checked into hotel heartbreak Passed rock bottom on the way Without leaving my living room I’ve been a million places But they’re all up in my head Over-drinking, overthinking ever since you left I’ve been gone, I’ve been gone I’ve been sittin’ on the couch watching TV all day long All day long, I’ve been tryin’ to figure out how a good thing went wrong Faster than that freight train, farther than that airplane Sadder than a country song Headed down that highway, anywhere but my way Ever since you moved on, I’ve been gone Yeah I’ve been gone All the clothes are on the floor All the mail’s by the door All the whiskey bottles in my bed All the dishes in the sink All the gas is in the tank All the neighbors probably think I’m dead I’ve been gone, I’ve been gone I’ve been sittin’ on the couch watching TV all day long All day long, I’ve been tryin’ to figure out how a good thing went wrong Faster than that freight train, farther than that airplane Sadder than a country song Headed down that highway, anywhere but my way Ever since you moved on, I’ve been gone (ooh, ooh) I’ve been gone (ooh, ooh) Gone