Carpet Jokes

I got knob cheesed after your sexy mom was on top, dry humping me on the vanilla-coloured living room carpet.

Must be heartwrenching for a loyal husband to watch his wife dry shagging me on the living room carpet.

I mean, once she started, she couldn't get enough.

I like it when your mom keeps on top of things.

(Male fantasy)

Yeah, on top of me on the living room carpet, snogging my face off.

I was lying on the living room carpet the other day with my girlfriend on top of me in wings and a tutu, making out.

I called her the Fallen Angel.

Why can you rub a dog's nose in their pee when they go on the carpet but when I do the same to an Alzheimer's patient I get fired from the nursing home?

Answering a knock at my door, I see a vacuum cleaner salesman who proceeds to tip a huge bucket of shit all over my carpet, before proclaiming any trace this hoover doesn't remove I will personally eat myself.

"Well, I hope you're hungry," I replied, "'cause they cut off my electric this morning!"

Chuck Norris has a grizzly bear carpet in his room. It's not dead, just afraid to move.

What is a card carrying lesbian feminist?

A carpet muncher who is a card carrying member of the National Organization For Women.

What is the difference between the National Organization For Carpet Munchers and the National Organization For Women?

The National Organization For Women has more experience in being a carpet muncher because they eat more pussy.

What is the difference between a carpet muncher and a female prostitute?

If you want a female prostitute to be a bitch, you have to give her money first.

If two feminazis are carpet munchers, which one in the lesbian relationship cooks?

They both don't because both of the carpet munchers are too busy eating each other's pussy 😋 🤪 😌 😏 😜 👍 👍 👌 👌 👏 🏆 🥇 💭 🤔 😮 😁 😊 😃 😄 👌 😍 🥰 ☺️

In a lesbian relationship, which feminazi cooks?

None, both carpet munchers eat out.

I walked up to a group of moms having a conversation while waiting to pick up their kids from day care. They were using cutesy words like "ankle biters", "rug rats," and other terms I've heard parents use before when describing their toddlers.

I thought I'd chime in; as it turns out, "carpet muncher" doesn't mean what I thought it does.

You are so ugly when you gave birth to your baby, you gave it carpet burn.

Floor on the road?

My wife said, "Why oh why have you ordered carpet, our house is lovely?"

Thankfully the carpet was put to good use in the end, no more stupid comments coming from a rolled up Emily in the bottom of the ocean!

Your mama so fat that when you were born, yo mama gave you carpet burn.

Why do cats like to sleep on the floor?

'Cause it's a car-PET.

What do you call a Mexican under a carpet? Underlay, underlay.

What do you call a magic car?

A flying carpet.