Are jokes

My friend, while we are shopping and I'm telling her about my mental illness: "You're priceless."

When we get to the checkout: "I'm actually $2.50."

Are you a grave, 'cause I want you on me?

People are pushing for a new black Lady Liberty coin. I can't wait to use black people as currency again.

Roses are red, violets are blue, I don't know why I am still alive for you.

Why are heterosexual women jealous of gay men?

because gay men can perform fellatio on men better than they can.

There's a plane going down over the desert with only 3 parachutes on board. There are four people onboard: the smartest man in the world, the best doctor in the world, an old priest, and a young nerd. The doctor says, "People need me for my medical skills," grabs the first parachute pack, and jumps. The smartest man in the world says, "People need me for my intelligence," grabs a pack, and jumps. The old priest says, "I have lived a long and happy life. You take the last chute." The nerd says, "Don't worry. There are enough chutes for the both of us. The smartest man in the world just grabbed my backpack."

Roses are dead, violets are dead. I am a bad gardener.

A guy is due to meet his friends for drinks at a bar but arrives late. When he does eventually turn up his friends ask why he is late.

The guy says, "Well, you won't believe what just happened. I was walking my usual route via the rail tracks when suddenly I saw a young, naked woman tied up next to the tracks. Of course I untied her and we had sex because I freed her."

The friends are cheering and one friend asks, "So... did you get any head?"

The guy replies, "No, I couldn't find it."

What are the similarities between an emo and some Christmas lights?

They are both going to be hanging from a tree.

Person 1: You are the dumbest person in the class.

Person 2: Well, you're the second. Maybe, but at least I'm not the dumbest.

Person 2: I know how to fix that!

... Next day person commits suicide...

It's April Fools' Day. I'm gonna go to the orphanage and tell kids, "Their parents are here to pick them up."

A friend asked me, "Where are you going?"

I answered, "6 feet underground."

A bear and a rabbit are taking a shit in the woods. The bear turns to the rabbit and asks, "Do you have any problems with shit sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says, "No." So the bear wipes his ass with the rabbit.

Why are Republicans supporting giving felons the right to vote?

Because their own personal jeebus is a felon!

These ain't jokes. These are just sad truths.

Remember, kids: the school shooter can't get you if YOU are the shooter.

Do you know why the Japanese have squinted eyes? Because nukes are bright.

If you're American outside the restroom, what are you in the restroom?

European.

What are you on your way to the bathroom?

Russian.

ok this isn't a joke but it's funny.

Roses are red, nuts are brown, Skirts go up, pants go down. Body to body, skin to skin, when it's stiff, stick it in. It goes in dry, comes out wet, the longer it's in, the stronger it gets. It comes out dripping and starts to sag, It's not what you think, it's a lipton tea bag.

Get your mind out of the gutter.

Are you suicide, cause you’re always on my mind?