Another jokes

Know what a 6.9 is?

Another good thing screwed up by a period.

A guy walks into a bar. He goes up to the bartender and says, "If I can surprise you, I get a free drink." The bartender was unsure but agreed.

The guy pulled a 30cm long pianist out of his pocket, and he starts to play.

The bartender was surprised and gave the guy a free drink.

The guy then says, "You see, I have a little wizard in my pocket that grants wishes. Can I get another free drink if you get a free wish?"

The bartender agrees without hesitation.

The bartender wishes for 1000 bucks, but he gets 1000 ducks.

"WTF!" the man shouts.

The guy answered, "Did you think I wanted a 30cm long pianist?"

A man asked for poison and another man gave it to him. The first man took a sip and said, "hmmm, this tastes like arsenic." He took a sip of another and said, "hmmm, this tastes like cyanide. A very unpleasant taste that brings back memories."

One day, a child walks along and asks, "Mother, why am I called Butterfly?"

The mother replies, "A butterfly landed on you as a baby."

A minute later, another child comes along and says, "Mother, why am I called Feather?"

The mother then replied, "Because a feather fell on your head when you were born."

Then Brick comes along and says, "Ahahhsdjsjskxs."

If a person walks off a hundred-foot cliff and halfway down screams, "Why did I do that?" Then a second person walks off the same one-hundred-foot cliff and screams the same verse, "Why did I do that?" Then another person walks off the cliff and screams the same line, "Why did I do that," and the next person does the same thing. What do you call that?

(Stupid People)

A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out. The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him. The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!” The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out. The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar. The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT! The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”

One cow asks another cow, "Are you afraid of mad cow disease?"

The other cow says, "Why should I be? I'm a helicopter."

After my wife died, I couldn't even look at another woman for 10 years.

But now that I'm out of jail, I can honestly say it was worth it!

I love taking my daughter out in the car. Every time we go over a speed bump, I tell her we ran over another dog. 😂

A man comes home and finds his wife in bed with another guy. "What's going on here!?" he exclaims.

The wife replies, "See, I told you he was stupid."

Little Johnny fucked a girl, ran away, fucked another, ran, went to the strip club, got a private dance, he has sex with them, fucking ran, yelled to some random bitch ass guy, "Fuck him, he's a bitch." He bends down, they have sex on the street, they go home, have sex, little Johnny wakes up, questions himself, fucking does it again. He goes to the strip club, fucks some more people, when he is drunk, questions himself some more, then tries phone sex, but his dick is too small.

What is another name for a serial rapist? Short dress enthusiast.

Why does the Catholic Church have a glory hole inside the confessional booth?

So a priest can give an anonymous blowjob to another bisexual man, or a gay man, or a heterosexual man that has a big dick after the priest hears their confession.

A computer science student is studying under a tree, and another pulls up on a flashy new bike. The first student asks, "Where'd you get that?"

The student on the bike replies, "While I was studying outside, a beautiful girl pulled up on her bike. She took off all her clothes and said, 'You can have anything you want.'"

The first student responds, "Good choice! Her clothes probably wouldn't have fit you."

A man wakes up from his operation, and the doctor says, "I have bad news and good news, what do you want to hear first?"

The man says, "Bad," so the doctor says, "During the surgery, your girlfriend decided to leave a message that she’s leaving you for another man."

The man says, "What’s the good then?" And the doctor says, "I’m picking her up at 7."

An Irishman, Englishman, and Scotsman go into a pub and each order a pint of Guinness.

Just as the bartender hands them over, three flies buzz down and one lands in each of the pints.

The Englishman looks disgusted, pushes his pint away, and demands another pint.

The Scotsman picks out the fly, shrugs, and takes a long swallow.

The Irishman reaches into the glass, pinches the fly between his fingers, and shakes him while yelling, "Spit it out, ya bastard! Spit it out!"

When I was watching my daughter at the park earlier, another parent asked a man, "Which one is yours?" and he replied, "I'm still choosing." She looked horrified.

Two homeless alcoholics want to get drunk but don't have enough money for even the cheapest drinks in any bar. So one of them devises a clever plan: he tells his friend, "We should buy a hot-dog sausage with the last of our money and stick it down my pants, then drink a load of drinks. But then when the bill comes, you get down and suck on the hot-dog, and it'll look like you're sucking on my dick. So then we'll get thrown out without paying, and we can just go to another bar and do the same thing again."

His friend agrees, so they buy the hot-dog, stick it down the first dude's pants, go to the bar, and then the second dude begins to suck on the hot-dog as agreed. They are thrown out and hit another four bars this way. In the end, as they lie drunk on the floor in some alleyway, the second guy says, "Well, what a great night. Free beers in five different bars!" The first guy says, "Yeah! Especially since the hot-dog fell out before we even reached the first bar!"