My wife told me I was immature. I just told her to get out of my pillow fort.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall? Depends how hard you throw them.
My boss yelled at me the other day, “You’ve got to be the worst train driver in history. How many trains did you derail last year?”
I said, “Can’t say for sure, it’s so hard to keep track!”
I have a fear of speed bumps. But I am slowly getting over it.
A boy walks up to a girl and says " i would tell you a joke about my dick but it's too long" then the girl say's " yeah, i would tell you a joke about my pussy but you'll never get it."
you can tell a lot about a woman’s mood just by her hands. For example, if she's holding a gun, she’s probably angry.
I named my dog 5-Miles, so now I tell people, "I walk 5-Miles every day."
I'm like a broken refrigerator, cool but broken inside
i cought my girlfriend cheating on me, with our dad.
i have no friends but then i realize my true friends are anxiety and depression
Brother: I can hear you using the vibrator every night, I’m right here if you need help Sister: that’s my fu__ing electric toothbrush Brother: oh, well the offer still stands.
The teacher asks her class "What is sex?" and Little Jonny stands up and says "sex is the temptation caused by the sensation when a boy sticks his location into a girl's destination. Did you get my explanation or do you need a demonstration?" and the teacher fainted.
Friend: "You are so ugly." Me: "You can't be talking, you give Freddy Krueger nightmares."
Are you depression 'cause you're always on my mind~
Why do some couples make their status "single" after a small argument? Like, I don't put "orphan" after I get into an argument with my family.
I'm just here to say that I don't approve of political jokes...
I've seen too many of them get elected.
2 friends are talking and the one says, "I had a good day today, I ran into my ex." The other guy replies, "How is that good?" The Friend says, "I was in my car."
Father : I don't trust you, You poured your seed in my daughter's belly,. Son : But Paah you can't fire me. Father: You're lucky you're my brother too or I'd kill you.
You find some dust on the ground. Your friends dare you to snort it... Then you realize your in a crematorium.
What is an orphan's family portrait called?
A self-portrait.
