I was watching my daughter at a park she was playing with a few people another parent came up to me and said which was is yours, just for fun i said "i am still choosing" she looked horrified
I opened a company selling landmines disguised as prayer mats. Prophets are going through the roof
Tell a woman she's beautiful a hundred times and she won't believe you. Tell a woman she's fat once and she will remember it for the rest of her life because elephants never forget.
I’m going to hang myself in the bathroom at school and put a note telling kids that I’m a piñata
My favorite quote will always be, "Sketchy candy is better than no candy" - One of the thousands of missing children
When the cannibal was late for dinner, he got the cold shoulder.
Whats the difference between a prostitute and a drug dealer?
The prostitute can wash her crack and sell it again.
Your hairline’s so far back even Rosa Parks refused to sit there
What does it mean when a man has a dodgy past? It means he has skeletons in his closet.
What does it mean when a man likes Lana Del Rey better than Ed Sheeran? It means he has a closet full of women's leather pants (but no women in their dating history).
When I'm bored, I text a random number, "I hid the body... now what?"
Say what you want about Pedophiles but at least they drive slow through school zones
Abner’s wife was laying on her death bed. She suddenly used all her strength to sit up and say to her husband, “I must tell you something, or my soul will never know peace. I have been unfaithful to you, Abner. In this very house, not one month ago.” “Hush, dear,” soothed Abner. “I know all about it. Why else have I poisoned you?”
What do you call an orphan's family reunion? "Me time."
I got detention yesterday because I told the emo kid to "Hang in there."
what did the woman with no hands get for christmas? no idea. she hasn’t opened her present yet.
Why did they invent glow-in-the-dark condoms? So gay guys can play Star Wars.
What does PEMDAS stand for?
Please End My Depression And Suffering
When I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan, they got all excited and asked if I could drive a truck.
What's the difference between a battery and my wife? The battery has a positive side.
one time i broke up with my roblox girlfriend by sending her a message, 30 seconds later i heard my uncle crying in the next room
