"I used to be addicted to soap, but I'm clean now."
Why did the baby cross the road? The car seat wasn’t strapped in.
A kid and an apple fall from tree? Who will reach ground first?
Apple because kid is hanging on the tree with rope.
How do parents punish a blind kid? They rearrange the furniture.
What was the emo kid's pronouns?
Was/were.
You are so scary that even your hairline ran away.
My mom asked, "Why are you so depressed? It could be worse. You could be Tracy Latimer."
I replied, "I wish I were Tracy Latimer because then someone would kill me."
A bus full of ugly people is driving down the street. The bus crashes and everyone goes to heaven. They see Saint Peter and he feels bad for them and grants them one wish before they go into heaven. The first one says, "I wish to be attractive." The second one says the same.
Meanwhile, the 3rd person in line is giggling and snickering and laughing while Saint Peter is granting wishes. Curiously, he asks why he is laughing. He says, "I was going to wish that they turned ugly again."
I just had sex...
I think I nailed it! (shit joke, I know)
Why are lesbians bad at math? Because they can't multiply.
Why do people in Alabama like eating sandwiches? They like things in bread.
My friend's dad went to jail. He's just surprised because he can finally find him.
I told my wife i needed a blood transfusion when i could not remember she said be positive to. Bad i am now a ghost wrighting this
why disable people do not like comedians? bcoz they do stand up
who is the most horny and fat ass god? - kim jung un
Why did the drum take a nap? It was beat.
I asked my friend what happened to him? His balance shifted.
How do you know the baby's dead, The dog plays with it more
My dad told me "No electronics at the table", so I unplugged my grandma's life support.
My son came to me depressed, so I pointed to the spare bedroom and said, "Hang in here, son."
