Worst Jokes Ever
What’s the difference between 911 and an abortion?
With 911 there was a victim to tell the tale.
We need more women in the military! They can bleed for weeks and still not die!
If an illegal immigrant fights against a child molester, would that be "Alien vs Predator"?
I was going to kill myself, but in the end, it doesn't even matter.
What do you call a funny cow?
A cowmedian.
I'd tell a joke about my abusive dad, but I only remember the punch line.
What's one thing gay people can't draw?
A straight line.
What's the difference between you and Jesus? Your parents remember Jesus's birth date.
Roses are red, my name is Dan, I have a gun, GET IN THE VAN!
What does it take to paint a wall red?
Kurt Cobain and his shotgun.
Q: When and where was the biggest BBQ ever?
A: Hiroshima, Japan 1946.
*Hears the news about Sandy Hook* Person 1: "God, I can only imagine what was going through those kids' heads in the last moments of their lives..."
Person 2: "Probably Bullets."
Person 1: "OMG!! Can you even think of what their parents are going through?!"
Person 2: "Probably Coffin Brochures."
Person 1: "...."
Person 2: "It's called dark humor. Dark humor is like food, not everyone gets it."
Today I donated my watch, phone, and $500 to a poor guy. You wouldn't believe the happiness I felt as he slid the pistol back into his pocket.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To end his pain and suffering.
There are two siblings, a little brother and a big brother. Now, the big brother had a girlfriend, and one night they decided to go and have sex. So, the bigger brother goes to pick up his girlfriend one night and take her home. So they get to the bigger brother's house and walk into his room. Now the two siblings shared the room, and they had bunk beds. When they walked in the room, they saw the little brother asleep in the bottom bunk, so they went up to the top bunk to have sex. The big brother says, "Whenever you feel good, say 'lettuce,' and whenever you want to switch positions say 'tomato'." The girl constantly is saying "lettuce, tomato," and then the little brother wakes up. He quietly remarks, "Can you guys stop making sandwiches? You're getting mayonnaise all over me."
What's worse than finding 10 babies in 10 dumpsters?
Finding 1 baby in 10 dumpsters.
The Virgin Mary wasn't a virgin; she was a prostitute. God raped her.
Flippity floppity, women are property.
Trump says to Obama, "You know it’s the White House, not the black house, right?" And Obama says, "Yeah, but it isn’t the orange house either."
A cop sees an old woman carrying two large sacks. One of the sacks has a hole and is leaking 20 dollar bills.
The cop asks the woman, "Where did an old lady like you get all of that money?"
She replies, "Well, there's a golf course behind my house and when golfers need to go to the bathroom, they stick their penis through a hole in my fence and pee into my yard. It became a problem because it kills the flowers."
The cop asks, "So what did you do about it?"
The old lady says, "I get my hedge clippers and I wait behind the fence. When a golfer sticks his penis through the fence, I grab ahold of it and shout GIVE ME $20 OR IT COMES CLEAN OFF!"
"That seems fair enough," the cop says, "so what's in the other sack?"
The old lady replies with, "Not everyone pays..."