They jokes
Three guys walk into a bar: one Asian, one American, one Black.
A girl walks in and says if all three of your D*** sizes don't add up to 12 inches, I will shoot you.
First comes the American with 3 inches, then the Black man with 8.
It totals out to 11 and they look at the Asian and say "Oh no."
He comes to 1 inch to top off the twelve.
She walks away and says ok.
The Asian says, "You're lucky she was hot, so I had a boner!"
How do you keep your friends from boring you with pictures of their children?
Every time they show you a new one, you say, "Oh FUCK yeah!"
Three friends were stuck in the desert. They were struggling and trying to find food when they found a magical lamp. They rubbed it and out came a genie, and the genie says, "Each of you friends get to have one wish." So the first friend said, "I wish to go home," same as the second one. The third friend said, "I'm lonely. I wish my friends were with me!"
Little Susie had gotten her first period. She told her mom, and they bought pads.
The next month, Susie's mom asked if she had her second one. Suzie said no, and her mom fainted!
Jack and Jill went up the hill to do it in the water. Jack slipped, his condom ripped, and now they have a daughter.
What do bees do when they get married?
They go on a honeymoon.
Americans won't have a Thanksgiving Dinner this year. Why not? They sent their turkey to the White House.
Q. Why do Skeletons work hard?
A. 'Cause they want the BONEus.
My ex-wife was smoking pot with Snow White, when the 7 dwarfs saw them they sang...
"Look at those high Ho's! Hiiiiiiii Hoooooo'sssss!!!!"
How many emo kids does it take to screw in a light bulb? None, they all sit in the dark and cry.
Why is a nun called a nun?
'Cause they ain't supposed to get none ;)
Why did Oliver have no friends?
His last name was Clothesoff, and all the other kids would get in trouble whenever they would ask to play with Oliver Clothesoff.
Susie was in her mother's room one night, as her mother was getting ready for bed. She had slipped off her blouse; her boobs, plum and perky. Susie had asked what are those and will I get them? Her mother had said they were boobs and she would grow some in a few years. Her mother told Susie to find her father and say goodnight.
So Susie left, headed down the hall to the bathroom where her father was showering. Susie knocked on the door, he said come in. He had moved the shower curtain over just a bit. Susie said she loved him, and then seen her father's dick. Shocked, Susie asked her father what that was and if she would get one. Her father said it was a dick, and he said Susie would get it after her mother went to bed.
Two drunk men spot a pig on some old farmer's land.
And they were real hungry (or so they said), and they both decided to take the pig with them into their car and eat it somewhere.
And so they did, and the farmer came out with a gun while they hurriedly drove off, and the farmer said, "Well goddammit, if it was a pig they wanted, why didn't they just take my wife?"
How did they know the teacher onboard the spaceship had dandruff?
Cause her Head and Shoulders were everywhere!
Why are eggs bad at puns?
They always mix up their yolks!
What's the same thing between milk and a kid with cancer?
They both have an expiry date.
Say what you want about pedophiles, but at least they don't shoot up schools.
What did the beachgoers in North Carolina say when there was a tsunami?
Nothing, they died.
Why are the best used guns from France?
Because they have never been fired and they have only been dropped once.