The jokes
My ex-boyfriend tried to scan himself at the supermarket checkout for fun.
“See how I can’t scan myself? It’s because I’m priceless.”
I decided I’d scan my wrist too, just for fun.
Found out I’m worth $3.97.
My (at the time) boyfriend told our chemistry teacher that blood is corrosive to steel.
Anyways, my sharpener isn’t working because the blade has been too badly damaged from something else...
Basically, the Twin Towers are Angry Birds but in real life.
Who did the cow want to hang with?
The udders.
During a phone call:
"Hey, is Michael Jackson in Miami with his manager?"
"Actually, he's off to Tampa with the kids."
How do you get Wacko Jacko to screw a lightbulb?
Tell Jacko that the bulb is a 6-year-old boy.
There was this emo kid giving a high five to a tree... but the tree left them hanging :)
What’s the difference between cotton and an orphan?
One gets picked.
What did the south tower say to the baby north tower?
"Here comes the airplane!"
Why did the blonde have sex with a Mexican?
Her teacher told her that she had to do an essay.
What do u call an Asian that was born at the wrong time?
Wrong тайминг.
Me: Do you take milk before cereal, or cereal before milk?
The adult person I asked: Cereal?
Me: I take the bowl first! What do you do? Do you just pour everything on the table and then eat it?
The person: Yes.
Me: WHAT?!!!??!!
Yo mama is so fat that when she fell over, she created the Grand Canyon.
What's the difference between COVID and 9/11?
I've never heard of someone dying in a car accident, and the media blaming it on 9/11.
What does a middle aged man live in?
A retarded kid he keeps in the van.
My science teacher was talking about natural selection.
At one point, she asked me to name the first person to theorize about it. I said, "Eric Harris." It was on his shirt.
If you don't get the joke, look up "Eric Harris natural selection."
Q: What did people say when Kim Kardashian was at the beach?
A: Stop littering!
Yo mama so fat, she walked by the TV and I missed 12 episodes!
What does it mean when there is a man in your bed, gasping for breath and saying your name?
It just means that you didn't hold the pillow down long enough.
“My Mum told me the best time to ask my Dad for anything was during sex. Not the best advice I’d ever been given.
I burst in through the bedroom door saying, ‘Can I have a new bike?’ He was very upset. His secretary was surprisingly nice about it. I got the bike.”