The Suicide jokes
My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.
I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."
Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.
The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.
The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"
Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.
A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.
"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.
"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.
"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.
"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."
Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:
"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"
What is an emo's favorite movie?
The Suicide Squad.
Four kids at my school tried suicide and failed. They are now known as the Suicide Squad.
Jimmy watched in horror as Alex told the suicidal man to do a flip.
When I called the suicidal hotline in Iraq, they asked if I could drive the car.
Me: What do you call 4 depressed kids?
My friend: What?
Me: The Suicide Squad.
Hello, it is the suicide line. Just keep hanging.
Why did the suicidal person cross the road?
To slow down traffic!
I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan, and they got excited and asked if I could drive a B-52.
I can't believe the suicide hotline put my cousin on hold. They left him hanging.
What does a deaf person and an orphan have in common? They both can’t hear their parents.
Why can’t an orphan go to Family Dollar? They don’t have a family.
Don’t mess with an emo because if their friends pull up, you gotta fight the suicide squad.
What did the phone receptionist at the suicide hotline tell the callers?
Hang in there!
What do you call an emo dating another emo?
The suicide duo.
What is a group of depressed kids called? They are called the "Suicide Squad."
Why did the suicidal person cross the road? He was waiting for a car.
When you have to fight an emo kid, but he brings his friends, so you gotta fight the Suicide Squad. But you gotta get the boys to help you.
When I was feeling suicidal, I called the suicide hotline and they left me hanging.
Why did the suicide bomber get promoted?
Because he was blowing up at work. 💀😈
I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan, and they asked if I could pilot a plane.