The Suicide jokes

Why did the suicidal person cross the road?

To slow down traffic!

When I was feeling suicidal, I called the suicide hotline and they left me hanging.

Hello, it is the suicide line. Just keep hanging.

Why did the suicidal person cross the road? He was waiting for a car.

Why did the suicide bomber get promoted?

Because he was blowing up at work. 💀😈

What does the suicidal person say on New Years?

"New year, no me."

Dave got a new job at the suicide hotline.

The manager shows him to his desk and Dave has a seat.

The manager says, "Remember! Your job is to make sure that the person at the other end of the line does not kill himself, no matter what! That's the one thing you have to do!"

Dave says "No problem! I will do exactly what you just told me!" and the manager leaves him to his job.

A few minutes, later Dave's phone rings.

"Hello?" Dave answers. No response for a few seconds, then a voice appears.

"My wife cheated on me," a man says. The man on the other end of the line is clearly depressed.

"I'm sorry to hear that," Dave says.

"I found out that she's been doing it for months; she says I don't treat her well enough. She's filing for divorce and threatening to take the kids from me. I don't know what to do. I just took up drinking and gambling, the pain goes away at first but it always comes back. I don't think I can even afford to see a psychiatrist; money is tight as it always is. I wish I could manage my finances better... I just don't see any way out. I think the only thing I can do that makes sense is to just kill myself."

Dave pauses for a moment, thinks, and then he asks:

"Wouldn't it make more sense to kill her?"

My mum told me to stop telling the suicidal jokes.

I replied with: "Don't worry, suicide would be the last thing I'd do."

Name 1 way to decrease overpopulation:

Get rid of all the suicide prevention lines so the suicidal people can kill themselves.

[Them]: "Don't you think you'll feel ashamed of all the suicide jokes you've made when you get older?"

[Me]: "When I what?" 0-0

Four kids at my school tried suicide and failed. They are now known as the Suicide Squad.

My mom tells me to stop with the suicide jokes, and I replied with, "It's not that deep."

My dad told me to stop with the suicide jokes, so I said I’ll cut it out.

I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan, and they got excited and asked if I could drive a B-52.

Jimmy watched in horror as Alex told the suicidal man to do a flip.

I can't believe the suicide hotline put my cousin on hold. They left him hanging.

What is an emo's favorite movie?

The Suicide Squad.

The suicide hotline didn't even give me advice on how to kill myself. Not helpful at all.

I called the suicide hotline in Afghanistan, and they asked if I could pilot a plane.

What did the suicidal guy say to his audience?

What did the suicidal guy say to his audience?