Take off

Take off jokes

Pedophile

Donald Trump travels back in time to talk to his 10-year-old self.

When he sees himself, he says, "Do you see me? I am you, but almost 70 years older."

His 10-year-old self asks him, "Am I going to be famous?"

Trump replies, "Oh yeah, I became president of the United States. Not once. Twice!"

10-year-old Donald was shocked. But he became even more shocked when he heard the next sentence from his current self: "And now take off your pants!"

  • 0

    • An Indian has a seat between two Pakistani's on board an airplane.

    It's quite obvious to each of the three men where they are from. The Indian asks, "Pardon me gentleman, you wouldn't mind me sitting between you, do you? This is my seat, after all."

    The Pakistanis look at each other, and then look back at him. One of them smiles and says, "Not at all! After all, Pakistanis and Indians are brothers! Are we not?"

    The Indian is delighted at how warm and friendly they are, and he takes his seat. Shortly the plane takes off and the three guys are just chilling until the Indian says, "You know it's going to be a long ride and I am getting thirsty. Brothers, can I get any of you like a drink?" Then one of them says, "Yes brother, I would like a Coke!"

    The Indian slips off his shoes and walks barefoot to where the stewardess is at, and when the Indian is out of view, one of the Pakistanis spits into his shoe. The Indian comes back and gives him a Coke.

    Then the other Pakistani says, "You know what brother? I would also like a Coke too!" The Indian happily obliges, and as soon as he is out of view, he also spits in his shoe before the Indian gives him a Coke.

    Finally, the Indian slips on his shoes and suddenly realizes how wet they are. He shakes his head and says, "Brothers! Why must we do this to each other, spitting in each other's shoes and peeing in each other's Cokes?"

    Three ladies were on a flight when suddenly the captain announced, "Please prepare for a crash landing."

    The first lady put on all her jewelry. Surprised by this, the other ladies questioned her actions. The first lady replied, "Well, when they come to rescue us they will see that I am rich and will rescue me first." The second lady, not wanting to be left behind, began to take off her top and bra. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, when they come to rescue us, they will see my great tits and will take me first." The third lady who was African, not wanting to be outdone, took off her pants and panties. "Why are you doing that?" the other ladies questioned. "Well, they always search for the black box first."

    I'd make a 9/11 joke, but it wouldn't fly anymore.

    And if I tried it, it would probably crash and burn.

    It just wouldn't help my comedy career take off.

    A girl goes to a Church to confess.

    Girl: "Forgive me father for I have sinned."

    Priest: "What have you done my child?"

    Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

    Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

    Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

    Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

    Girl: "Yes father."

    Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."

    Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

    Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

    Girl: "Yes father."

    Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

    Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, father."

    Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)

    Girl: "Yes father."

    Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

    Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

    Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

    Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

    (after a few minutes)

    Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

    Girl: "But father, he had AIDS!"

    Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"

    A blind pilot walks into a plane waving his walking stick.

    The passengers all look at each other in disbelief. The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,

    "Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the captain is legally blind, but rest assured, he is one of the best pilots in the world with over six thousand successful flights."

    Next the co-pilot makes his way to the plane, and he is also blind and uses his walking stick to make it to the cabin.

    The flight attendant gets on the PA and says,

    "Ladies and gentlemen, as you can see, the co-pilot is also blind, but rest assured, he is the second-best pilot in the world with over five thousand successful flights."

    At this point, the plane begins to take off from the runway. As it gains speed, the passengers grow tenser. The plane keeps accelerating more and more, and as it approaches the end of the runway, it still hasn't left the ground. The plane is approaching the end of the runway at high speed, and the passengers scream, "Oh my God, we're all going to die!"

    Suddenly, the plane takes off and begins its ascent.

    The pilot turns to the co-pilot and says, "The day they stop screaming, we're screwed."

    My mom was cooking dinner and asked me if I could get her a cutting board.

    "No, I need you to take off your shirt and lay on the island so I can cut some chicken."

    There were 5 people on an airplane.

    1. The pilot 2. The businessman 3. The Minister 4. The school child 5. The Smartest person in the world

    The plane takes off, a good, solid 1 hour in. The pilot comes out and says, "OK guys, I have good news and bad news."

    "Bad News is the plane is gonna crash. The good news is that I have 4 parachutes."

    The pilot says to his passengers, "Well I'm a pilot, I fly planes. People depend on me!" Took a parachute and went out.

    The businessman stands up and says, "Well I'm a businessman, I run companies!" Took a parachute and went out.

    The smartest person in the world stands up and says, "I'm the smartest person in the world. No one is smarter than me!" Took a parachute and went out.

    Now the minister says to the school child, "Well God has given me a good life. I want you to take the last parachute," and the school child has a massive smile on her face and starts laughing all of the sudden and the minister says, "Why are you smiling?! We're about to die!!!!"

    And the school child says to the minister, "Well actually [we're] not gonna die because there are still 2 parachutes left because the smartest person in the world just took my school bag!"

    A cop pulls me over and asks if I have been drinking.

    I'm an honest person and say yes, I did, so I take off my sunglasses and tell him that I now had 2 glasses less.

    A plane is about to crash into the ocean, and the passengers are freaking out.

    A woman stands up, takes off her clothes, and says, "Before I go, is there a man man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

    A man stands up, takes off his shirt, and says, "Here, iron this!"

    If you take off the first and last letter of "demon," they're gonna turn emo.

    As a fellow emo, I find these very rude and disrespectful. Please take off, or I'll tell Mom.

    Also, if anyone knows any high bridges nearby, please tell me (I'm asking for a friend).

    P.S. I have no friends.

    A woman comes from a restaurant and ate a lot of beans.

    When she gets home, her husband puts a blindfold on her and says not to take it off. The lady hears her husband leave the room and starts farting really loudly. When the husband comes back and takes off the blindfold, the lady sees 12 people with pegs on their noses singing happy birthday!

    A dad told his son never to hit girls, so the son replied, "I promise."

    When the son got older, he was doing the dirty with "a girl," and the girl says, "Spank me, daddy..." and the son responds, "My dad said never to hit a girl."

    Then the "girl" takes off the wig, and it's his dad, and the dad said, "Good job, son!"

    Son:...... um

    I made this one up myself just now.

    Stephen Hawking would be a good pilot because the aircraft would be the first to take off and land in autopilot.

    Everyone, take off your pride flags; it's already a new month.

    A little girl being Girl: "Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned."

    Priest: "What did you do, child?"

    Girl: "I called a man a son of a bitch."

    Priest: "Why did you call him a son of a bitch?"

    Girl: "Because he touched my hand."

    Priest: "Like this?" (as he touches her hand)

    Girl: "Yes, Father."

    Priest: "That's no reason to call a man a son of a bitch."

    Girl: "Then he touched my breast."

    Priest: "Like this?" (as he touched her breast)

    Girl: "Yes, Father."

    Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

    Girl: "Then he took off my clothes, Father."

    Priest: "Like this?" (as he takes off her clothes)

    Girl: "Yes, Father."

    Priest: "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

    Girl: "Then he stuck his you know what into my you know where."

    Priest: "Like this?" (as he stuck his you know what into her you know where)

    Girl: "YES FATHER, YES FATHER, YES FATHER!!!"

    Priest: (after a few minutes): "That's no reason to call him a son of a bitch."

    Girl: "But, Father, he had AIDS!"

    Priest: "THAT SON OF A BITCH!!!"