Soberness jokes

So I told the officer, "I can't even walk when I'm sober."

George Floyd: 3 years sober, drug and alcohol free.

A man walks into a bar. He sits down and orders a beer. After 10 shots of vodka, the guy had, the bartender figured if he talked to him, he would tell him everything as he’s not sober.

Bartender: Hey, that’s some nice jewellery you have there. It must be expensive.

Guy: Yeah, this bracelet is made of 100% diamond. It cost me like 250 thousand dollars. What a bargain, eh?

Bartender: Seems like you make a lot of money. What do you do for a living?

Guy: I take cash from the bank and don’t give it back. It takes a lot of moral courage to rob banks to provide for my family.

Bartender: What? If that’s the case, then why do you even pay for the jewellery or this beer? You’re a hypocrite, that’s what you are, justifying robbing people as a living.

Guy: Hypocrite? You’re right. I'm living with double standards to justify my actions.

(5 seconds later)

Guy: Aye, open the cash register and give me your wallet or I will blow your fucking brains out. I fucking hate hypocrites and I will not gonna be one of em!

I cannot moderate myself at all. It's either I don't take my meds, or I take the entire bottle. Decisions, decisions...

"Rehab's for quitters, and I don't give up."

They say people are 75% water.

But I'm 100% useless.

If I were addicted to masturbation, and then became addicted to sex, would it be safe to say that my addiction got out of hand?

If you ever become depressed, try drinking a gallon of water before going to sleep... That’ll give you a reason to get up in the morning.