What did they find on Chris Rock's face? Fresh prints.
What's the difference between a good TV show and a gay man?
One makes your day and one makes your whole week.
What does the woman say to the cannibal at the fashion show?
"Who are you wearing?"
Two magicians were in a competition. The first one did magic, and the second started counting down, "3, 2," but before he said the last number, he 1.
Watersharky Music Productions Presents Memories by Conan Gray.
One, two
It's been a couple months That's just about enough time For me to stop crying when I look at all the pictures Now I kinda smile, I haven't felt that in a while It's late, I hear the door Bell ringing and it's pouring I open up that door, see your brown eyes at the entrance You just wanna talk and I can't turn away a wet dog But please don't ruin this for me Please don't make it harder than it already is I'm trying to get over this I wish that you would stay in my memories But you show up today, just to ruin things I wanna put you in the past 'cause I'm traumatized But you're not letting me do that, 'cause tonight You're all drunk in my kitchen, curled in the fetal position Too busy playing the victim to be listening to me when I say "I wish that you would stay in my memories" In my memories, stay in my memories Now I can't say goodbye if you stay here the whole night You see, it's hard to find an end to something that you keep beginning Over and over again I promise that the ending always stays the same So there's no good reason in make believing that we could ever exist again I can't be your friend, can't be your lover Can't be the reason we hold back each other from falling in love With somebody other than me I wish that you would stay in my memories But you show up today, just to ruin things I wanna put you in the past 'cause I'm traumatized But you're not letting me do that, 'cause tonight You're all drunk in my kitchen, curled in the fetal position Too busy playing the victim to be listening to me when I say "I wish that you would stay in my memories" In my memories, stay in my memories Since you came I guess I'll let you stay For as long as it takes To grab your books and your coat And that one good cologne That you bought when we were fighting 'Cause it's still on my clothes, everything that I own And it makes me feel like dying I was barely just surviving I wish that you would stay in my memories But you show up today, just to ruin things I wanna put you in the past 'cause I'm traumatized But you're not letting me do that, 'cause tonight You're all drunk in my kitchen, curled in the fetal position Too busy playing the victim to be listening to me when I say "I wish that you would stay in my memories" In my memories, stay in my memories.
What is an orphan's favorite TV show?
"Alone."
During a show, I once asked the crowd if they were pro-guns, and the majority belted out in approval.
I asked a man in the front row why he was pro-guns, and he gave me the basic “personal protection liberty 2nd amendment” hooplah.
Very seriously, I told the crowd, “I’m pro-guns because I enjoy living in a world with only four Nirvana albums.”
My friend was the only one who laughed.
Gen Z is most likely going to be the last generation who felt the pain of getting up early to catch their favorite show.
Tonight, on Top Gear!
James May dives a bus full of kids off a mountain!
Richard Hammond starts WW3 in Germany!
And I fly a plane into the World Trade Center!
What was the Orphan favorite cartoon show?
Fairy Oddparents
Do they say you are what you eat?
That makes Bulma a VEGETARIAN if u know what I'm SAIYAN.
What did Vegeta say to Bulma?
What?
Can I show you my new move? It's called BIG BANG ATTACKKKK! :)
How do emo bands prepare for their shows?
They self-harmonize.
So, I heard the CEO gave her daughter a really good spot in the company.
Everyone is mad, but I think it just goes to show that it pays to sleep with your boss.
What do you call an emo committing suicide while filming it?
America’s Funniest Home Videos
(lol)
Did you know that..
Studies show 9 in 10 Americans do not have basic math skills.
Oh, thank god I'm in that 1%.
Have you watched the show "Naked and Afraid"? Well, I play it every Saturday with my uncle.
Donald Trump and the Pope were standing on a platform in front of a crowd of people. The Pope said to Donald Trump, “I can make everyone in this audience happy with one small swipe of my hand.”
Donald Trump replies, “That’s not possible. You’ll have to show me.” Then the Pope slaps him.
So, Little Johnny's teacher is warned at the beginning of the school year not to ever make a bet with Johnny unless she is absolutely sure she will win it. One day in class, Johnny raises his hand and says, "Teacher, I'll bet you $50 I can guess what color your underwear is." She replies, "Okay, meet me after class and we'll settle it." But before class ends, she goes to the restroom and removes her panties. After class is over and the students clear out, Johnny makes his guess. "Blue." "Nope. You got it wrong," she says as she lifts her skirt to reveal she isn't wearing any underwear. "Well, come with me out to my dad's car, he's waiting for me, and I'll get you the money." She follows him out. When they get to the car, she informs his dad that he got the bet wrong and that she showed Johnny that she wasn't wearing any underwear. His dad exclaims: "That mother fucker! He bet me $100 this morning that he'd see your pussy before the end of the day!"
When you step on the weighing scale, it shows your phone number!
