Religious Figure jokes
How does Moses prepare his tea? -- Hebrews it.
What's the difference between the real Jesus and a picture of him?
It only takes one nail to hang up the picture.
What’s the difference between Jesus and a hooker?
The look on their face when you're nailing them.
What's black and white and hard as nails? A nun on speed!
"My dick fell off in the shower!" suddenly a bright flash of white lights. You see God smiling at you. "Joseph, where is your wiener, little one?" He says, chuckling lightly.
What's the difference between Jesus and a dead, naked baby?
I don't worship Jesus.
What is Jesus' favorite band?
Nine Inch Nails.
This guy comes knocking on the door in hell and speaks to God. "Please let me out, it is too cold in here!"
God is all confused. "There is a big fire in there!" The guy answers, "Yes, there is, but you cannot get near it. All the bishops, cardinals, and priests are sitting around it."
What was Jesus scared of the most?
Snails.
Now you should let your imagination work... imagine naked Jesus with an erection... and nail holes in his hands...
What was Jesus's favorite food?
Answer: Snails
Why are priests called father? Because it's too suspicious to call them daddy.
A Muslim is about to commit suicide when a Catholic priest stops him.
"What are you doing?!" exclaims the priest.
"There is nothing on this Earth for me," the Muslim says. "I will commit suicide to go to paradise and get 72 virgins!"
The priest shakes his head.
"Foolish Muslim, suicide is not the way!" he says.
"Follow me, I'll take you to the local primary school."
I was raised a Catholic, and my priest told me when I was 12, "God is watching you when you masturbate."
I said, "Is God a pedophile too, Father?"
Apparently, as a 4-year-old, Hitler was saved from drowning in the river Passau by a local priest.
Goes to show once more that a lot of problems would be solved if priests could just keep their hands off kids.
I watched a documentary about a man who grew up in the Catholic church.
It was a touching story.