Why did the cheetah get kicked out of poker?
'Cause he was a cheetah.
Friend: Stop with the self harm jokes, they're not funny.
Me: It's not that deep. I'll cut it out.
Your mom is so fat that when God said, "Let there be light," he asked your mom to move out of the way.
Kid: "Mom, I had a scary dream. Can I come sleep with you and dad?"
Mom: "Sure, sweetie, sleep in the middle."
Kid: "Dad, can you get the remote out of my back?"
Dad: "That isn't the remote."
*Weird background music*
What goes inside and comes out wet?
I was joking about self-harm to my friend, and she told me to "CUT it out!" I couldn't even laugh.
When we were at the self-checkout, she started scanning my arms. I asked her what she was doing. She said, "Trying to see if it beeps, ya think I'd get it to work if I scanned your thighs?"
I said, "Nah, bro, you'd overload the system if you put it there."
A friend took me out to his shed and was showing me all his tools, when he pointed to a ladder. "That's my step ladder," he said. "I never knew my real ladder."
Holy fucking shit, Addison, watersharky, Gwen, and all of you other cringelords, I swear to God if I hear one more thing about "please be kind, no bullying on the internet," I will actually shoot my local school.
You may not know, since you are only 8 years old or whatever, but the world is not kind. It’s full of sick people out to beat others, and the only way to stay safe is to beat them. So even if you think you are spreading kindness, it’s just gonna make you a target. So just stfu and keep your "please be kind" messages to yourselves.
Papyrus: Well come to the underground.
Sans: How was your falls?
Papyrus: G-g-good luck eve-ever ge-getting o-out.
Sans: Give me your balls!
Did you hear about the cello player who dreamed he was performing Bolero?
He woke up and found out it was true.
Amber Heard morning schedule: - Wake up - Eat breakfast - Take a shit - Get out of bed - Shower
If you're American when you go in the bathroom and you're American when you come out, what are you in the bathroom?
European.
What's white, sticky, and better to spit out then to swallow?
Toothpaste.
How to harass? Say it out loud but slowly. Split that word into, and it sounds like "her ass."
I can swallow two pieces of string and when they come out the other end, they'll be tied together. I shit you knot.
I used to date a girl with a lazy eye. Turns out she was seeing someone else the whole time.
Who crashed the plane?
1. Abu Faram? - terrorist
2. The little kid Joseph?
3. The passed out pilot?
Or Jamal?
Abortion clinics are kind of like NAZI gas chambers. Less people come out than go in.
This one kid never stands up for the pledge of allegiance, and I'm tired of it.
Today, I push him out of his wheelchair.
Fortnite battle pass I just shit out my ass The school: you did what?
