Officer sees a man and he is seeing he is having trouble walking, so he asked him, "Sir, are you drunk?" The man responds, "No, sir, I'm not drunk." So the officer asks, "How high are you?" And the man responds, "No sir, it's 'Hi, how are you?'"
How do you get an emo out of a tree?
Just cut the rope.
How do you get 500 dead babies into a car?
A blender.
How do you get 500 dead babies out of a car?
A straw.
My friend Jimmy said his dad is exactly like Santa. I asked, "Why is it because he gives people presents?" Jimmy told me, "No, it's because I hear so many good things about him and how he's gonna come home, but never see him."
A happy mother: "Why is your sister so quiet?! And how did you get super glue stuck on your penis?!"
How do you blow up an Indian person?
You press the red button.
How did the skeleton know it was about to rain?
"Because he felt it in his bones?"
No,
He read the weather app, you idiot.
how many africans does it take to change a light
a water bottle
How do you find Will Smith in the snow?
You look for the fresh prints.
How do you stop a baby from crawling around in circles?
You nail its other hand to the ground.
A man is telling his story to someone. "My friends always said that they would kill me if I wore Gucci or Supreme. On April 1st, I wore both and conversed with them."
"Interesting."
"That's the story of how I got to the morgue," he says to The Gatekeeper of Heaven.
Three women were in heaven. The angel at the gates said, "How good the ride into heaven is for you, is determined by your commitment to your most recent partner."
The first lady says, "2 years, 2 side-hoes." She got an old lexus.
The second lady says, "10 years, 1 visit from a prostitute." She got a Mercedes-Benz.
The third lady says, "I never had a husband."
The angel says in response, "F*ck me and then you can have a lambo."
They all arrive in heaven, to see the second lady crying.
The first lady says, "I know we are dead, but it could be a lot worse."
"How!?" The third lady cries, "The angel has a flute for a d*ck!"
How did Stephen Hawking really die?
His wife grounded him from using electronics and unplugged everything!
If you go to the military and you get sent to a country, how many heads will you blow off?
That number is how many dicks you suck.
how did sally die (how) she got shot
How did Sally die?
She got shot.
How? She could not run away.
After the holidays, Ron asks Hermione: "How was the weather in Spain?"
Hermione: "No idea, it was so foggy I couldn't see a thing!"
How did Stephen Hawking die?
He tried to update to Windows 10, and his hard drive corrupted.
How do you start a rave? Throw a flash bang into an epileptic children's ward.
an old man walks in a forest with a child and the child says its dark and im scared the oldman says how do you think i feel i have to walk out alone
