Guess how I'm getting laid tonight?
"I'm stronger than you."
A guy sits at a bar in a skyscraper restaurant high above the city. He slams a shot of tequila, goes over to the window and jumps out.
The guy sitting next to him can’t believe what he just saw. He’s more surprised when, 10 minutes later, the same guy walks back into the bar and sits down next to him.
The astonished onlooker asks, “How did you do that? I just saw you jump out the window, and we’re hundreds of feet above the ground!”
The jumper responds by slurring, “Well, I don’t get it either. I slam a shot of tequila, and when I jump out the window, the tequila makes me slow down right before I hit the ground. Watch.” He takes a shot, goes to the window and jumps out.
The other guy runs to the window and watches as the guy falls to just above the sidewalk, slows down and lands softly on his feet. A few minutes later, the jumper walks back into the bar.
The other guy has to try it, too, so he orders a shot of tequila. He slams it and jumps out the window. As he reaches the bottom, he doesn’t slow down at all. SPLAT!
The first guy orders another shot of tequila. The bartender shakes his head. “You’re really an a**hole when you’re drunk, Superman.”
how did they know that princess Diana had dandruff? they found her head and shoulders in the glove box
How do you know when a cabbage is boiled?
The wheelchair floats to the top.
How do you fix an igloo?
With Iglue.
My infant drew on the walls today, but I don’t know how to punish them. So I think I’ll sleep on it.
How many times do you tickle an octopus to make it laugh? Ten-tickles.
What present can a pimp always buy his hoes to both show how much he thinks of them and know they can never get enough of?
Condoms!
What is similar about the feelings of a girl's birth daddy and her new pimp daddy?
They both worry about how she will turn out!
Question: How did the cat cross the river?
Answer: It didn’t, it drowned.
How did two retarded people get ran over in one second?
They're my friends.
How do you know when your wife is cheating on you?
She comes home with sparkles on her face.
Why did God make men?
Because you can't teach a vibrator how to mow the lawn...
What's the difference between a prostitute and a trash bag?
There's a limit to how much trash goes in the trash bag.
Mom: (Looking through Facebook) How adorable!
Kid: (Looking over her shoulder) What a cute ass!
The kid's mom blushes until she realizes what he was pointing to. It was a picture of a baby donkey.
The real question is, what was she looking at on the same screen that made her blush at that remark?
My friend got a sorry excuse for a new hair style, she says "How do you like my new hair style?"
Me: I think it's a great idea, when are you getting one?
How much does a pirate pay for corn?
A buccaneer!
How do you annoy Pinocchio?
Ask him, "Do you always tell lies?"
What's the time? How would I know?
How do Chinese people name their children?
They drop a tin can down a flight of stairs and call them the sound that's made.
