How do you tell a child they have cancer?
With a smile on your face.
Q: How many dogs does it take to shingle a roof? A: It depends on how you cut 'em.
How are school shooting victims and school shooting jokes similar?
They never get old.
How can you tell if your sister is on her period?
Your father's dick tastes funny.
A man went into a library and asked for a book on how to commit suicide. The librarian said: “Fuck off, you won’t bring it back.”
How do you circumcise a redneck? Kick his sister in the jaw.
How do you close a cabinet?
You closet! Hahahhyaahhahaaahhahaha!
Girlfriend after sex: How did you get so good at eating pussy?
Boyfriend: My mom taught me.
How do you knock out 26 kids in one punch?
You give them a Sandy Hook.
My dog has no nose.
How does he smell?
Terrible!
Paddy's beautiful wife has not had an orgasm for the 15 years they have been married.
The doctor suggests that she may be overheating during sex, and a cool breeze may help.
Being a bit of a cheapo, he decides not to buy a fan but asks his friend Mick to waft a towel over them during the act.
After half an hour, still no sign of success, so his mate suggests swapping places. "I'll have a try, Paddy, you waft the towel."
Paddy agrees, and after two or three minutes, Paddy's wife has a moment of sexual pleasure, screaming in ecstasy for the first time in 15 years.
Paddy taps his mate Mick on the shoulder and says, "And that, Mick, is how you waft a bloody towel!"
How do you fit 1000 babies in a swimming pool? A blender. How do you get them out? Slurp them up with a straw.
How long does it take a baby to cook in the microwave? I don't know I close my eyes when I masturbate.
How many babies does it take to paint a wall red? Depends, how hard can you throw them?
How many feminists do you need to change a light bulb?
One. She puts the bulb up and waits for the world to revolve around her.
...just kidding-
- none. They can't change anything.
How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
Two; one to screw in the lightbulb and one to SUCK MY COCK!
How do you recover from prostate cancer surgery?
It’s all Depends!
How would you best describe prostate cancer?
Well, it is somewhere between a dick and an asshole!
How can you compare a gay prostitute to Pacman?
They both get paid to eat 200 balls!
A young boy is in a tepee with his father, just after his sister's naming ceremony. Curious to how it works, he asks his dad, "Father, why is my sister's name Tulip?"
His father responds, "That is her name because a tulip was the first thing she saw when she first opened her eyes."
The boy was still puzzled. "What about big brother Sparrow?"
"His name is Sparrow because a sparrow landed on him when he first began walking."
The boy finally asked how he was named. "Well, we decided to name you the same way as your sister."
The boy nods with understanding, "Thank you, father."
"No problem, Two-Dogs-Fucking."
