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If your uncle Jack needed help getting off of a horse, would you help your uncle Jack off a horse?

You want to get her pregnant before marriage to know if she's fertile, so why not marry a single mother that already has proof?

When the school shooter says to get on the ground, but the sped kid thinks it's Simon Says!

My son caught me masturbating. He asked me, "What are you doing?" and I said, "Don't worry, son, you'll be doing it soon." He asks, "Why is that?" and I said, "My arm's getting tired."

What did the planes say when they were smashing or passing the Twin Towers?

Smash.

(Get it?) 9/11.

Me when my girlfriend comes home, I check her phone and there are 100 texts from a different guy asking her out, and her text says yes.

Get the whip, you're out!