There was a boy in the gym who was in his late teens. He was sitting at the dumbells tables but he wasn't lifting. He instead, sat up and was ripping something up. The manager then walked over to him, and asked "You're hogging the dumbells, dude! What are you even doing?" The boy hesitated, then said "Getting ripped, wanna join me?" as he held up stacks of blank paper. The man silently sat on the table with him and grabbed some papers. "Why not?" he finally said.
On the plus side, I finally hear voices talking to me... just wish they outside my head
Once there were three Indians. Two were smart and one was... not so smart. One day, the first smart Indian went out hunting. He came back with a dead deer. The not so smart Indian asks "How'd you do it?" The smart one replies, "I followed the deer tracks, shot the deer, and brought it home." The next day, the next smart Indian goes out. He comes back with a dead bear. The not so smart Indian asks once again "How'd you do it?" The smart one replies, "I followed the bear tracks, shot the bear, and brought it home." Finally, it's now the not so smart Indian's turn to go hunt. Multiple hours had passed since he left. The smart Indians go out to search for him. They finally find him, bloodied and on the verge of dying. The smart Indians exclaimed "WHAT HAPPENED!" The not so smart Indian replies, "Well I... I followed the train tracks, an... and shot th- the train... bu- but it kept going..."
Husband: Honey, Do you want sex? Whife: No thanks i have a headache. Husband: Is that your final answer? Whife: Mmmmm. Husband: Are you shure? -Whife Yes Husband: No doubts? Whife: No Husband starring a long time at his whife. Husband: Okey, I wanna use my lifeline to call a friend. -
When I hit a home run I finally felt what it was like to have a home.
Me: Now knowing why Michael Jackson turned white.
The police: You finally figured is out.
What's an emo's favorite Pink Floyd album?
The Final Cut.
One day, inexplicably, my talking parrot started insulting me. He called me an idiot, a fool, a jerk, stupid, and a variety of other nasty names. I warned the squawker to cease, but to no avian avail. Fed up, I finally flipped the foul-mouthed feather-brain into the freezer...but after about 15 seconds, I relented and let him out. "I'm so sorry," he declared! "I don't know what came over me, and realize I shouldn't have said those terrible things. I hope you can forgive me, and I promise never to do it again! By the way...what did the chicken do?" đđ
This city slicker broke down on a country road, he look around and in the distance he spotted a farm house. When he finally got there he asked the farmer if he has a phone he could use because his had no reception. The farmer told him he could use it if he married his daughter. The guy said he really didnât wanna get married and the farmer said if you marry my daughter Iâll give you half my farm...the guy said lemme see her...the farmer hollered âhey youâ get over here...and she said duh ok. The ol boy looked at her and said nooo thank you. The father said Iâll give you all my farm and my bank account if youâll marry my daughter....the ol boy thought for a minute and said âweâll I guess I can put a sack over her headâ So they married and the farmer kept his word and gave him everything. One day the guy was up fixin the roof and Holland hey you get me some nails...his wife said duh nails, nails he said yes nails and showed her one she said âoh dun nails nailsâ he said yes nails. So she got him some. He was hammering away when he hit his thumb and he yells oh F. . . It! and she turned and Hollered Duh A Sack A Sack Duh A Sack!
So a guy is taking a piss in a public bathroom. He looks over and sees a short guy with a very large green dick, who looks up at him and says âis there a problem boyoh?â. âIâm sorry, itâs just that thing is huge, and why the hell is it green?!â. The man replyâs âIâm a leprechaunâ. âReally?â says the man. âThatâs right. And Iâll grant you three wishes if you let me stick it in your pooperâ. âAnything I want?! 3 of them?â replyâs the man. âAnything in your wildest dreams boyoh, but you have to let me finishâ. The man bends over, and the leprechaun puts in in, thrusting back and forth he asks for the manâs first wish. âI want a giant yachtâ âAyeâ, says the leprechaun. âItâs pulling into your own private harbor nowâ. âFor my second wish I want a billion dollarsâ the man says, beginning to sweat. âAye, itâs stacked inside the yacht waiting for youâ the leprechaun replyâs. âOkayâ, the man groans in pain. âFor my final wish I want this yacht to be full of beautiful womenâ. âYou betcha boyohâ says the leprechaun. âThe girls are there waiting for you nooWWWâ as he lets out a moan of pleasure. The man exhausted and sore says âthat was rough, but worth it for those wishes. Where do I go?â
The little man with the giant green dick, pulling up his pants, his accent now gone says: âarenât you a little old to be believing in leprechauns?â.
I always sucked at mazes. I found myself lost over and over again but if life is a labyrinth, I'd always find the escape. The final dead end, my personal favourite...
An old lady walks into an ice cream store. Clerk greets her and says, "What will it be today ma'am...we have every flavor you can imagine". Old lady says, "Well, I guess I'd like a quart of chocolate ice cream". The clerk says, "Sorry ma'am, we're out of chocolate today. Any other flavor we'll have". ""Ok" she replies, "Why don't you just give me a pint of chocolate ice cream". The clerk says just a little louder in case she's hard of hearing, "Sorry ma'am, but we're fresh out of chocolate ice cream". The old lady says, "Oh, ok. Why don't you just get me a cone with one scoop of chocolate ice cream?". Finally totally exasperated the clerk says, "Wait a minute lady. Can you spell Van as in vanilla?". "Why of course young man" she says, "V-A-N". "Right" the clerk says, "Can you spell Straw as in strawberry?". "Well of course, Straw", she replied. "Ok then" he says, "Now spell Fuck as in chocolate". She says, "There's no Fuck in chocolate". He says, "That's what I've been trying to tell you... THERE'S NO FUCKING CHOCOLATE!!!".
So in class they were learning about where food comes from: Teacher- so kids where does bacon come from? Student- PIGS Teacher- correct where does mutton come from? Student- SHEEP teacher- and finally hereâs your homework- student- IK where that comes from! A FAT COW! đđ
when ur excited to finally see ur sister, and then u realize shes wearing ur cloths
A womens knitters group is having a meeting and they are all pregnant. They all talk about their pregnancies. One woman says "I'm taking vitamin C so my baby has a healthy immune system". Another knitter says "I'm taking Folic acid to help my baby's brain". Finally one woman says "I'm taking Thalidomide". All the women turn to her and say "Thalidomide ! Don't you know your baby could be born without arms?" The woman shrugs her shoulders and says "I don't know how to knit arms". (Told to me by a woman knitter)
Once there were twins, Mark and Michael, Mark was the owner of a old boat. It so happened that Michael's wife died the same day that Mark's boat sank. A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Mark and mistook him for Michael. She said, "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must just feel terrible. "Mark, thinking that she was talking about his boat, said, "Heck no. In fact, I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing right from the beginning. Her bottom was all shrivelled up and she smelled like old dead fish. She was always losing her water; she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, her hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy. I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them that she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools tried to get in her all at once and she split right up the middle!" The old lady fainted. đ€Łđ€Łđ€Łđđđ
Hi hunter. Emilly wrote this
Why do orphans love having sex?
Becuase They can finally call somebody daddy.
A boy was following me for 8 years even in to the stall I finally told him Iâm not gay
The Cheerio Joke
Let's say you're in high school, and your popularity level was badlsed on what Cheerio you are. So there's Extra-Frosty cheerios as the most popular kids, the frosted cheerios were the popular kids, the Regular Cheerios as the typical normal kid, then there's the honey nut Cheerios as the nerds and geeks, and then there's your cheerio which is the Chocolate cheerios. Now you want to ask this girl who's an extra frosty, you go up to her and ask her to Homecoming, but she declines. So after school gets out, you go home and rewind. The next day you wake up feeling like a honey nut cheerio, so you go up to her again and ask her again, she still says no. So you go home and rewind again and wake up the next morning feeling like a Regular cheerio. So you go to school and ask her again, she still declines. So you go home and rewind again. The next morning, you wake up feeling like a frosty cheerio. So you go up to her and ask again, still says no. Then you go home and unwind. The next day you wake up feeling like an extra frosty cheerio. Feeling doubtful, you go up to her one last time and ask her. She finally says yes. The next day is Homecoming, and you and your date are on the dance floor, and she wants punch. So she tells you that she's going to go get punch. She goes and gets punch and is back in 30 seconds. You ask her why it was so fast. She replies with; "Oh there want a punch line."
I still remember my granddads last words,
âAre you still holding the ladder?â
