Family jokes
My father told me to always carry a women's bag, but I don't know why he called the cops on me when I helped Mom's bag when we went parachuting. :(
What's your mom and a dog got in common?
Both will lick dick if you put peanut butter on it.
What does your mom say when she is working?
Nothing, it's rude to talk with your mouth full.
My sister is so stupid, she thought LBJ was a blow job.
Brings a whole new meaning to brotherly love.
How do you make a mime cry?
You kill his family right in front of his stupid face.
Your mama's like a cardboard box: open to the public and easy to nail.
Why do some kids only experience 364 days per year?
Because they don't have a Father's Day.
Knock, knock.
"Who's there?"
Not your dad.
Your dad is so smart, he took one look at you and left.
Why do some kids have water with their cereal?
Because their dad never came back with the milk.
What is the difference between the pizza guy and my dad?
The pizza guy shows up when you call him.
I finally asked my deadbeat dad what makes him happy. His answer? He hasn't gotten back to me.
"Dad, did you get a haircut?"
"No, I got them all cut!"
Why didn’t the train kill nine families of four?
Because he had no loco-MOTIVE. AHAHAH
What’s worse than banging your sister?
Having to wear your dad’s wedding ring.
What's the difference between child abuse and abandonment?
The abused ones are forced to listen while being abused, while abandoned kids cry because they don't have parents anymore.
Father talks to his 5-year-old son: “No, Petie, you don’t have to worry. There is no monster sleeping under your bed. It sleeps every day in the bed next to me.”
About a month ago, I was at my best friend’s funeral and I told him, "Bitches always come and go." He looked at me kinda mad, kinda confused, and said, "That’s my mom, dude."
I had a threesome on an elevator with a monkey and my underage, deaf, & mentally challenged sister...
It was wrong on so many levels.