Family jokes

My father told me to always carry a women's bag, but I don't know why he called the cops on me when I helped Mom's bag when we went parachuting. :(

My sister's boyfriend was coming around for Christmas Day. He had the option of two birds to tuck into: Turkey or Goose.

I said, "Are you not satisfied with my sister, who is literally handing herself on a plate to you?!"

What's the difference between an orphan and an apple?

The apple gets picked.

I had a threesome on an elevator with a monkey and my underage, deaf, & mentally challenged sister...

It was wrong on so many levels.

My mom told me that my friend Paul is coming over, and he is going to sleep over, so I was happy.

The next day, I ask my mom, "Where's the dog?" My mom asks me, "What dog?"

Then I said to my mom, "I heard Paul say, 'Do you want it doggy?' and you said 'Yeah.'"

Yo mama is so ugly that James Charles rejected her.

Your kid's so ugly he would make a Happy Meal cry.

My dad came out of my step-sister's room as I came out of my step-mum's room.

Picture of yo mama last Christmas and the damn thing’s still printing.

What stresses a baby strawberry out?

When its mom is in a jam.

Question: Did you know that "diarrhea" is hereditary?

Answer: It "runs" in your jeans!

Why do cops never put orphans in jail?

Because they aren't wanted.

An orphan walks into a shop but gets lost, so he calls his mum but then remembers.

Your hairline is so far back my grandpa said he had a glimpse of it in the 1960s.

What do you call a picture of an orphan? A selfie.

The only difference between my grandma and the twin towers is that they collapsed faster than my grandma.

If you can't see your family... you're an orphan.

I like to make your mom jokes.

Because they're easy like your mom.

Why do orphans go to church?

They have someone to call "father" there.

Why are orphans so bad at baseball?

Because they can’t find their way home.