Espionage jokes
What does a spy do when he's cold?
He goes under cover.
What do you call two female lovers spying on the government?
Lesbionage.
The KGB, the FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary-General of the UN decides to set them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest, and each of them has to catch it.
The CIA people go in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations, they conclude that the rabbit does not exist.
The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads, they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming.
The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling:
"Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!"
What do you call 2 spies fucking?
Undercover.
What does the Cow say to the spy?
"Are you udder cover?"
James Bond gives all the ladies he's met the perfect birthday gift: Chlamydia.
What's a whale's favorite James Bond movie? "License to Krill."
If James Bond is the most famous spy, wouldn't that also make him the worst spy?
Three men are on a bench in Soviet Russia talking shit about Stalin. One of the men all of a sudden pulls out a KGB badge and says, "You two are coming with me for treason." One of the other men also pulls out a badge and says, "Not me." The third man pulls out a badge and says, "Wow? There's a lot of agents here."
How many CIA agents does it take to screw in a lightbulb?
They don't need lightbulbs--they glow in the dark.
What similarities do peeping Toms and spies share?
They both see things they shouldn't.
Knock knock.
Who's there?
The KGB.
The KGB wh-?
*slaps* I will ask the questions here.
*America shoots down balloon*
China: "You killed an innocent man!!"
USA: "What?!"
China: "Yes, he was a famous sumo wrestler."
Why do asses make terrible spies?
Because they always CRACK under pressure.
Yo mama is so fat, when she was a spy, she was called "double obese."
Octopussy.
Three citizens were going through an exam to become agents of the FBI. Their instructor handed the first guy a gun in a room with his wife and said he had to shoot her. He walked out in shame and said he couldn't do it. The second guy had the same scenario. He put the gun up, but couldn't pull the trigger, so he walked out in shame. The third guy was put in the same scenario. He walked out and told the instructor, "The gun wasn't loaded, I had to strangle the bitch."
How do you know that the U.S. sucks at chess?
They lost two towers.
A German went to France for a holiday, and here is the scene. French border staff asked, "Occupation?" The German replied, "No, no, no, just visiting."
At school, Little Johnny’s classmate tells him that most adults are hiding at least one dark secret, so it’s very easy to blackmail them by saying, “I know the whole truth.” Little Johnny decides to go home and try it out.
Johnny’s mother greets him at home, and he tells her, “I know the whole truth.” His mother quickly hands him $20 and says, “Just don’t tell your father.” Quite pleased, the boy waits for his father to get home from work, and greets him with, “I know the whole truth.” The father promptly hands him $40 and says, “Please don’t say a word to your mother.”
Very pleased, the boy is on his way to school the next day when he sees the mailman at his front door. The boy greets him by saying, “I know the whole truth.” The mailman immediately drops the mail, opens his arms, and says, “Then come give your Daddy a great big hug!”
Wonder why the British are so good at chess? They have the queen.
Wonder why Americans are so bad at chess? They lost two towers.