Double jokes
Yo mama so fat her yearbook picture was a double-page spread.
When life gives you lemons... call them yellow oranges and sell 'em for double the price!
Is shooting and killing a pregnant woman a spawn kill or double kill?
When Hitler killed himself, he shot himself twice. The first one was Operation Barbarossa, and the second one was his death.
I was sitting in class, and the teacher said he wasn't disappointed in me and my best friend, but not so much in me.
I looked at my best friend and said, "I'm a disappointment to the teacher, too."
A man went to buy 5 undies, so he said, "Hi, 5 undies, please, 1 for each weekday." Then another man comes and said, "Hi, 7 undies please, 1 for each day, and they'll finish cleaning by Sunday." So the cashier said, "Now that's more like it!" And then another person said, "Hi, 12 undies please, wait, I'm gonna double check... January... fe"
Don't pick flat chests because they will turn their backs on you twice.
What do you call someone with notorious special needs and an extra chromosome?
The double trouble.
This is why they don't want to sell the Double Manhattan in pubs anymore.
The phrase “Muslim women live in one of the hottest countries in the world and they can’t even expose their legs” has two meanings.
Why can't orphans be gay?
Because they have no one they can call "daddy."
My mom said she would miss me if I committed suicide, so we made it double.
She wears short skirts, I wear t-shirts, and we're both getting sent home from school because it's distracting to boys, apparently.
You look like a double dipped chocolate chip cliff flipped glazed charcoal slim jim Mr. clog hunch frap, no feet, 9 arms, 17 stomachs. You stepdad beat you with a wiffle ball bat. NBA Youngboy was in your bathroom spitting on you and now you got herpes on your left side cheek.
The double slit experiment shows light particles are a wave that assemble in your presence. And you didn't even have to say a word!
When you see someone with a double chin that’s sad:
Hey come on, man, keep your chin up. Wait, which one?
Unbelievable! When doctors touch my body, it’s alright, but if I do the same to some lady, apparently it’s "harassment!"
Little Johnny runs up to his mother and says, “Mommy, mommy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs, and my ball got away and into your closet. When I went to get it, Daddy came in with the lady next door, and they started hugging and kissing. The lady next door took off Daddy’s clothes, and Daddy took off the clothes from the lady next door, and they both got into your bed. The lady next door got on top of Daddy and started...”.
The mother cuts him off and says, “Just stop right there. You wait until your daddy comes home so you can tell him everything you just told me.” A couple hours later, the father arrives and walks through the door to find his wife and child with bags packed. She walks up to him and slaps across the face, shouting, “I’m leaving you... Go ahead, Johnny, tell him what you told me earlier.” Johnny steps forward to tell his daddy. “Daddy, the other day I was playing with my ball upstairs, and my ball got away and into your closet. When I went to get it, you came in with the lady next door, and you both started hugging and kissing. The lady next door took off your clothes, and you took off the clothes from the lady next door, and you both got into your bed. The lady next door got on top of you and started doing the same thing Mom did with Uncle Joe last summer.”
Yo mama is so fat, when she was a spy, she was called "double obese."
You're built like a double cheeseburger.