What's the difference between Isaac Newton and the baby I just stabbed?
Isaac Newton died a virgin.
Dis Jokes
My grief counselor died. He was so good, I didn't even care.
A man died and went to heaven. Here he met Jesus. There were two clocks. The man asked, "What's with the clocks?" Jesus answered, "This is Mother Theresa's clock. She has not lied, so the clock hasn't moved. This is Abraham Lincoln's clock; he's only lied twice, so it's moved twice." "Where's Donald Trump's?" the man asked. Jesus replied: "It's in my office. I'm using it as a ceiling fan."
A man from France, a man from Britain, and a man from New York are on an expedition to the Amazon Forest. After a while, they get lost. As they are walking, suddenly the bushes jump up into the air, and men with spears are there.
One man says, "Hey, you're in our sacred land. So, what we are going to do is skin you and then use your flesh to make canoes. But we aren’t that crazy, so we will let you choose how you die."
The man from France said, "Bring me the poison."
The man from Britain said, "Bring me the gun."
And the man from New York said, "Bring me a fork."
The guy was confused with the fork but still brought the items and gave them to them. The guy from France said, “For France!” and drank the poison and died. The man from Britain said, “Long live the Queen!” and shot himself and died. And the man from New York started stabbing himself with the fork and said, “MAKE A CANOE OUT OF THIS YOU FUCKERS!”
Dr. Seuss died September 24, but that was a lie. Dr. Seuss, when he was 97, he stole a plane and the last rhyme he did was “up in the sky so very far he comes, Dr. Seuss allahuakbar.”
I was crying at school, telling my friends my grandpa died. And they asked me what his last words were. His last words were, "Are you still holding the ladder?"
You're so ugly that I choked and died.
My mom said, "Don't jump off, we need you."
I said, "No," then I jumped off a building and died.
Friend: Did Jesus die a virgin?
Me: Of course not, he got nailed before he died.
This is nothing to do with 9/11, but this is my best joke.
What do you call a Paki in a microwave?
Pting pting pting.
1.) What’s yellow and can’t swim?
- A bus full of children.
2.) Did you hear about the Pillsbury Dough Boy?
- He died of a yeast infection.
3.) I will never forget my grandad’s last words...
- “You’re still holding the ladder, right?”
4.) I have a fish that can breakdance...
- Only for 20 seconds though, and only once.
5.) Give a man a match and he will be warm for a few hours...
- Light a man on fire and he will be warm for the rest of his life.
You know, people should really stop making fun of 911....both my parents died.
One driving one plane, and the other driving the other.
My dad died in 9/11. He was a Muslim pilot.
All these jokes are plane wrong. My uncle died in 9/11. At least he died doing what he loved, flying planes.
So my friend died. I was at her casket. I said I'll see you on the other side, so I went to the other side of the casket.
*Breaking News!* - Apparently the first person in Melbourne has died because of the Coronavirus. In his house they found 1000 cans of food, 50 kilos of pasta, 80 kilos of rice, 300 toilet rolls and 50L of hand sanitiser which he had panic purchased from the supermarket and stockpiled "just in case".
The whole lot collapsed and buried him.
Every woman will die in five seconds.
Mother: Dies.
Sister: Dies.
Girlfriend: Lives.
You: 🤬
So, I met Michael Jackson before he died. He dragged me to his bed.
My father died in 9/11. It's such a shame. He was a great pilot. 😔
Some boy says 100000 digits of pi, and this other dude can't even remember the 1st one.
