And jokes

Me and my wife decided we would only smoke after sex.

I'm still on the first pack. She's up to 2 packs a week.

Your mama is so fat.

She went on a diet and solved world hunger!

Your mama is so fat and stupid. She got hit by a school bus. Her reply was, "Who threw that Twinkie at me?"

Okay, so I have a dairy and sugar allergy, and if I eat it, I get REALLY CONSTIPATED, so this is me when I’m constipated ᕙ(⇀‸↼‵‵)ᕗ lol.

Hey kids, guess who started a micronation?

It’s Barney and Trump. They don’t let gays in, but they kill them.

Yo mama is so fat, she jumped on a trampoline and she broke it.

I crashed into the back of a car at the lights today.

A really short guy got out of it and said, “I’m not happy.”

I said, “Well, which one are you then?”

What's green and smells like pork?

Kermit's fingers!

What do school shooting jokes and school shooting victims have in common? They never get old.

You're so bent and ugly that you'd make Elton John go straight!

Never give up, 'cause never gonna give you up.

Never gonna let you down, never gonna run around and desert you, never gonna make you cry, never gonna say goodbye, never gonna desert you.

What's the difference between an umbrella and a tree?

I don't know.

Why are Spider-Man and an orphan so similar?

They both have "No Way Home."

What's black and at the top of the staircase? Stephen Hawking after a house fire.

What's the difference between a pregnant woman and a pregnant emo girl?

The emo girl still bleeds.

Science experts say when you get mad, punch an orphan. What are they going to do? Tell their parents?

Why is your hairline so put back it's looking like it was slapped by Will Smith and it needs to be fixed?

I pushed a disabled kid over, and he came crawling back to me.

Me and a girl went on a walk...

Then she noticed me, then we went for a run. :)

What sits in the corner and gets smaller and smaller? A baby with a potato peeler.