And jokes

What’s the difference between Michael Jackson and a shopping bag?

One is dangerous for kids if put on their face, the other one is used to carry groceries.

Your hairline got pulled back. You look like you've been climbing Chris, and you got smacked up by Will Smith.

Q: What's the difference between a Hispanic and a stoner?

A: Stoners have papers.

Q: What's really long and black?

A: The line at KFC.

Male Patient: So, I just pull my pants down and bend over for this prostate exam?

Doctor: Yep.

Male Patient: Ok, I'm ready. Hey! That doesn't feel like a finger.

Doctor: Yep, and I'm not even a doctor.

I pushed a dog into a fire and said, "Hot dog!"

I refuse to go bungee jumping. I was brought into this world from broken plastic, and I REFUSE to die the same way.

Today sucked. My girlfriend got hit by a car, and I lost my job as an Uber driver.

If a school shooter walks into a classroom and shoots an autistic kid, what does the kid say? "Why do I look like Swiss cheese?"

What’s the difference between a fetus and a woman?

A fetus has more rights.

What's big and white and can't climb trees?

A fridge.

What's common in vampires and American kids?

They both don't get old.

Women are like iPhones, you have to touch them all over before they respond. Men are like Blackberrys, rub one ball and everything moves!

If a physically handicapped gay white male is sitting on the toilet in the handicapped stall, and if you are a gay white male that is well-endowed that is not physically handicapped, and if you want the physically handicapped gay white male who is sitting on the toilet in the handicapped stall to suck your dick, what do you do to convince him to suck your dick if you have a hard on and your horny as hell?

Put $25.00 under the handicapped stall before you put your dick under the handicapped stall.

what's the difference between an emo and an apple? the apple falls to the ground while the emo just hangs there.

Son: Dad, I had sex for the first time.

Dad: Would you like to talk about it?

Son: Sure.

Dad: Sit down and let's talk about it.

Son: I can't, my butt hurts.

If anyone ever makes a time machine, please make a bunker for Hitler/the Nazis and send them to 2050. I want to see who would die first, future us or them.

I do consider Johnny Depp to be a victim of domestic violence.

Just like how I consider a children's hospital run by Michael Jackson and a retirement home run by Harold Shipman to be both safe places to be in.

White girl: So this crystal cures my depression and helps me lose weight?

Me holding a rock of meth: YES!!!

I used to suffer from depression but through hard work, persistence, and never giving up..\n\nI now suffer from anxiety AND depression :\