All jokes
A shark can swim faster than me, but I can run faster than a shark.
So in a triathlon, it would all come down to whoever can ride a bike the fastest.
What am I if my neck is covered in red bumps, my ears are the size of a giant corn cob, my skin is ruby red, my eyes are bloodshot, I have green skin, and fur growing all over my body? Horribly ugly.
So last night I went on a taxi and I showed them your photo. All they said was I could ride him, it would be expensive though, since from his eyebrows to hairline is at least £100.
If you are what you eat, does that mean all squirrels are nuts?
I tried to come up with a funny pun about squirrels, but all my ideas were nuts.
You must be rich! You've got all the cashews.
Hitler isn’t really a bad guy, after all, he did kill Hitler himself.
Did you hear about Alicia's car accident?
She was really drunk and all over the road until she was all over the road.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Dragon.
Dragon deez nuts.
Dragon deez nuts who?
DRAGON DEEZ NUTS ALL OVER YOUR FACE!
What did the emo say to the popular kid?
"Go fuck yourself for thinking all emos cut because they don't... y'know, for a matter of fact, fuck all you guys..."
Why is Santa so happy? He knows where all the naughty girls and ho ho hos live.
All go gansta until the two towers fall down on you.
What constellation has no hair at all?
Cancer.
What’s Whitney Houston’s favorite type of coordination? HAAAAND EEEEEEEEEYYYYEEE!
What’s better than Ted Danson? Ted singing and Danson!
What did the drummer call his twin daughters? Anna one, Anna two!
I bought some shoes from a drug dealer. I don’t know what he laced them with, but I was tripping all day!
What does a nosey pepper do? It gets jalapeño business!
Why did the priest buy a clown suit?
Because the old one had blood all over it.
You know how all zodiacs have hairstyles... well not Cancers.
Why do orphans love chips?
Because they're all family sized.
Pennywise: "They all float down here!"
Titanic: *hold my beer*
On the day of 9/11, the WTC's ordered cheese and pepperoni pizza, but all they got was plane.
When your mom says it will all be ok if you just......... *there is blood on the floor*