My girlfriend said to me, "Dear, I think you have hit an animal, there's blood and dents all over the bonnet."
I said, "No, love, I'm not waiting for a Black Lives Matter rally."
Daddydildo69
My wife saw me hit the best drive yesterday with my golf clubs.
I must have drove that chihuahua 300 yards.
My dad said, "Where's Pickles, the family cat?" I said, "I'm sorry to say he's in the sky." He said, "Oh, I see, he passed away." No, I strapped him to 20 fireworks!
My Indian wife said last night if her fanny would taste like vindaloo curry, I said I've smelt your fucking armpits, you've got no chance.
What has ten children crying, naked, and screaming for their parents?
My big green pedo machine.
I asked my nan if she wouldn't mind shitting in a bucket when we went camping. She replied, "Why the fuck would I want to sit in a bucket?" So eventually she did, and I took the best shit I have ever had!
What has 2 wheels and screams? A disabled [person] I dropkicked down the stairs.
I thought I had the best K/D ratio in my fighter jet on Battlefield, then I heard about Mohammed Atta.
My dad had a very unfortunate accident with his death. I clearly asked for Jammy Dodgers and got Bourbons!
What is saw and bleeding and covered in bruises?
Your mum.
What has 15 arms, 9 legs, 8 heads, and 12 eyeballs?
A mosque after a missile strike.