I conducted a survey. I asked 100 woman what kind of shampoo they used while they were in the shower? 98 of them said how the fuck did you get in here? 😂😂😂
Which branch of the military accepts toddlers? The infantry.
My friend called me a dick earlier. I said you are what you eat. He then proceeded to run away from me.
What do you call it when you baptize a mexacan? Bean dip!
what is less then 0
my will to live
What's the difference between a Catholic hospital and Michael Jackson's Children's Hospital?
No seriously, what is it?
Wacko Jacko bleached his skin, lit his head on fire, slept in a chamber, abused his pet monkey, built an amusement park on his own backyard, had toys as decor for his home, slept with little boys, raped little boys. Jacko was Florida Man before Florida Man.
Why is Santa always so jolly because he knows where all the naughty girls live?
a little boy decided to burn a house down. the father put his arm around his wife, tears in his eyes, saying, "thats arson"
My family loves to have dance parties. My dad will just play music from his iPod, and I'll go to the light switch and make a nice strobe light effect. Everyone loves it, especially my younger cousin. He gets down on the floor and starts breakdancing! It makes him so happy, and he needs that extra joy in his life, especially since the doctor recently diagnosed him with epilepsy.
Crush: "How much do you love me?"
Me: "Well, look at the stars outside."
Crush: "But it's morning."
Me: "Exactly."
What’s the best part about plowing your cousin?
-It makes your sister jealous
A woman gets rid of polish with chemicals and no one bats an eye The Germans got rid of polish with chemicals and everyone lost their mind
I went to visit my friends sick grandpa. He was lying in a hospital bed connected to a lot of tubes. When I approached him he kept repeating "Nǐ cǎizhe wǒ de yǎngqì guǎn"
Suddenly right in front of me, he passed. Later that night I translated his last words, and they were "You're standing on my oxygen tube"
Your mama is so fat that when she wears yellow, kids run after her thinking they missed the school bus
My girlfriend’s dog died, so I tried to cheer her up by getting her an identical one. It just made her more upset. She screamed at me, “What am I supposed to do with two dead dogs?”
I saw a cute coworker and had sex in the back till i realized it is a family buisness
Think everyone who wrote these jokes are dead yet?
My mom told me that drugs are my enemes..........But jesus said to love my enemies
I lost my black friend in the shadows. I lost my white friend on the wall. I lost my Asian friend in the sand and I lost my Islamic friend in the bombings.
