You can pick your friends and you can pick your 👃nose but you can't pick you're friends noses 👃 Does it cycle now? 🚲
I hate these double standards.
if you burn a body at a crematorium you're "doing a good job" if you do it at home you're "destroying evidence"
"I hate going to weddings, because the old lady next to you always whispers in your ear, 'You're next.' So I started doing the same to them at funerals, 'You're next.'"
What is the worst combination of illnesses? Alzheimer’s and diarrhea. You’re running but can’t remember where.
Are you suicide, cause you're always on my mind
Wife: "Honey, I'm pregnant."
Husband: "Hi, Pregnant, I'm dad."
Wife: "No, you're not."
My child: "Dad, am I beautiful?"
Me: "You’re like the sun, sweetie. You’re painful to look at."
"You're da bomb!" "No, you're da bomb!"
In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.
If you're ever bored, punch an orphan. What are they gonna do? Tell their parents?
Two men were talking about their wives. The first man says, "My wife is an angel." The second man says, "You're lucky, mine's still alive."
As siblings, we always joke about being adopted. It stops being funny when you're playing in your parents' room and find both of your adoption papers.
Are you depression 'cause you're always on my mind~
I’m not saying you’re going bald, but you’ll find Waldo before you find your hairline.
A Pilot is having a talk with one of his passengers, the passenger asks, "Why did you become a Pilot?" The Pilot replies with, "To face my fears." The passenger then says "You're afraid of heights?". "No, i'm afraid of dying alone".
You’re mamma’s so ugly, even the toaster wouldn’t get in the bathtub with her.
If you’re waiting for the waiter at a restaurant, aren’t you the waiter?
A man walks to the window and opens it and pulls out his phone and takes a photo. "One more picture and I'll jump." He takes another photo and shuts the window. "I can't jump, you're not supposed to throw trash out the window."
You find yourself stuck in a hole with a murderer, a rapist, and a lawyer. You're armed but you only have 2 bullets left, what do you do?
Shoot the lawyer. Twice.
A blind comedian was asked to do stand up for a hospital. No one laughed at his jokes, so he continued to sing, "If you're happy and you know it..."
The room was full of arm amputees.
My doctor called me fat. I told him I wanted a second opinion and he said, "OK, you're ugly too."
