Worst Jokes Ever

Lemme tell you a little story.

It’s night. You’re in your room, trying to sleep. But you keep hearing it—scratching. Soft at first. Like fingernails on wood. You tell yourself it’s rats, or the house settling. But it keeps going. Slow... then faster.

So finally, you get outta bed. You get on your hands and knees, put your ear to the floor. And you hear it. A voice. Whispers. Crying.

Your heart’s pounding. You grab a crowbar. You pry up the floorboards. One by one. Your sweat’s dripping into the dust. The noise gets louder.

And finally... you peel back the last plank.

And you see these eyes. Wide and terrified. And a pale little face staring up at you.

BOOOOOOO!!!!

It’s Anne Frank.

What do a 9V battery and a butthole have in common?

We know we’re not supposed to put our tongue on them, but we do it anyway.

How do you find a black person in the dark without a flashlight?

Tell them a joke to make them smile.

Ukrainians leave without saying goodbye.

Russians say goodbye without leaving.

Q. What did the United Healthcare CEO say after he got shot? A. I don't know. I don't own a Ouija board.

I know how to cut down on Medicare expenses.

Lock Alzheimer's patients in dog cages when they misbehave.

What did one saggy boob say to the other saggy boob?

If we don't get some support soon, people are gonna think we're nuts.

Q: How do you know you're at a gay barbecue? A: All the hot dogs taste like shit.

How do you play chess with a Catholic?

You put a condom on the bishop.

I wish my grass were emo, so it would cut itself.

I was going to tell a ghost joke, but it just seemed so mean-spirited.

Q. What's the difference between Donald Trump and orange Jello?

A. The Jello has a higher IQ.

Why are cops worried about drunk drivers and not elderly drivers?

What do you call a white person from Africa?

Albino.

My cousin said he wonders why people have sex with animals, and now I can’t stop thinking about it.

Ol’ McDonald had a farm e-I-e-I-oh.

Do you know the number one cause of death for lesbians?

Getting your fingers stuck in there.

Do you know what the secret is to have a smoking, hot body as a senior citizen?

Cremation.

What is the difference between a nun and a prostitute?

One serves the nailed to the cross, one nailed by her boss.

What is the difference between a nun and a prostitute?

One kneels to pray, one kneels to pay.

What is the difference between a nun and a prostitute?

One says, "God is my father." The other says, "Who's the father and who is my son?"