Worst Jokes Ever

I take back my comments on the United healthcare CEO.

Being poisoned by a nurse wouldn't be that bad of a way to die as long as the nurse diluted the potassium chloride first.

What is a nudist's least favorite holiday?

Memorial Day.

Why?

Because wearing a poppy can be very painful.

I hope Betty Pears was a Buckcherry fan.

She literally died a crazy bitch.

I was watching TV with my brother, and a diabetes commercial came on saying, "I have type one diabetes, and I manage it well."

My brother said, "You want a cookie?"

A gay couple walks into a Muslim bar. The tender flares up and says, “let me guess, a little blood on the rocks?”

Having survived a severe injury in my past, I'm kind of glad paramedics didn't succeed in bringing the United Healthcare CEO back.

I was suffering so bad I got delirious and thought that the nurses were putting poison in my water cup.

That CEO was so hated that one of the nurses probably WOULD have slipped him something!

I was watching TV with my brother, and a diabetes commercial came on saying, "I have type one diabetes, and I manage it well." My brother said, "You want a sugar cookie?"

Q. Why couldn't Terri Schiavo give good blow jobs?

A. She didn't know how to swallow.

Shower thought: If everyone had schizophrenia, no one would know we had schizophrenia or know what it is!

What made you suddenly lose interest in someone you were pursuing?

When I found out they liked me back. Not interested in someone with poor judgment.

I used to think all Americans were racist.

Now I've changed my mind. They DID elect an orange president.

My cousin is a surgeon.

Last year he botched a surgery he was doing on a patient who happened to be gay. He's being sued for malpractice for turning a fruit into a vegetable.

Why do Black people dip their Oreos in water?

Because daddy never came back home with the milk.

Here in Canada, you used to be able to be shipped off to an asylum just because you were gay.

I guess they couldn't tell the fruits from the nuts.

Trump wants people to think he's a great golfer. But the only handicap he has is a mental one.

My dad told me he only drinks on days that start with a "T":

Tuesday, Thursday, today, tomorrow.

Q. What's the difference between Trump and a piece of shit? A. Shit isn't orange.

I used to be emo, but I don't cut myself to solve my problems anymore.

I just drink a bunch of liquor like an adult.

A little known rule: You cannot be circumcised if you are running for political office in the US.

You need to be a complete dick.

Why is the Z the only politically correct letter?

Because all the other letters are not Z's.