Worst Jokes Ever

My friend was a victim of a school shooting once, but he couldn't tell if they were in the library because of the suppressor on his AR.

Boy goes to Confession.

Boy: "What are you doing, father?"

Priest: "It's called masturbation and soon you will be doing it."

Boy: "Why do you say that, father?"

Priest: "'Cause my hand is getting tired."

What's the difference between a lightbulb and a pregnant woman? You can unscrew the lightbulb.

Don’t worry if you have a stroke.

You’ll be all right.

What is the most expensive haircut? Chemotherapy.

So a guy named Nathaniel just came home, and when he enters his sister’s room, he sees her f***ing a piece of broccoli. And Nathaniel says, “Abbie, what’s wrong with you? I was going to eat that later, and now it smells like broccoli!”

So there I was, having a fantastic time going down on my nan.

When suddenly I got a nasty taste in my mouth.

"Wait a minute," I said. This distinctly tastes like horse semen.

Then it clicked.

"Ah, so that's how you died."

Friend: How dark is your humor?

Me: It gets beat by the cops on a daily basis.

Suicide is illegal because it's a crime to destroy government property.

What's yellow and can't swim?

A bus full of children.

Three men are outside Heaven's gates waiting to go through Heaven. The angel at the gate tells them, "Depending on the length of time and your faithfulness to your last partner decides your way across the bridge to Heaven."

The first guy says, "I was with my wife for 5 years and cheated 3 times." The angel gives him an old model pick up. The second guy says, "11 years and only once," and is granted a Mercedes.

The last man says, "20 years and not once. I loved her with all my heart," and with the angel impressed, he gets a gold edition Lamborghini and sets off ahead of the other two men. Hours later, the two men catch up to him crying behind the wheel and one says, "I know we are dead, but it could be much worse."

The guy looks up and says, "How! I just went past my wife on a skateboard!"

My dad was a master of his art; being compared to Houdini. Due to his skill in disappearing.

Grandpa: "You can't have phones within 15 feet of the table."

Me: "And you aren't allowed within 100 feet of the elementary school."

What is big, annoying, and full of blubber?

90% of America's population.

Two friends who've been bros for forever see each other in Wal-Mart in the card section. The first guy asks what he got his wife for her birthday. The second guy tells him he got her a Maserati and a card. The first guy tells him he got his wife a card and a dildo for her birthday.

The second guy asks why he got his wife a dildo for her birthday. The first guy says, "If she doesn't like the card I got her, then she can go fuck herself!"

What happened to the blind man's son?

He thought he was hitting a piñata.

What's a lesbian's favorite type of food?

Finger-food.

Why do tigers have stripes? They don't want to be spotted.

How many feminists does it take to screw in a lightbulb?

Infinite because feminists can't solve problems.

What's the difference between flat earthers and my grandfather? Flat earthers are more disconnected from reality than my grandfather is disconnected from his life support.