Worst Jokes Ever
At the funeral of a family friend, I was chatting to June, an elderly lady I hadn’t seen since I was a teenager. I was thrilled when she told me what a beautiful young woman I’d become.
On the journey home, I remarked to my mother how lovely it had been to see June again.
“Yes, it’s such a shame that she’s gone blind,” she said sadly.
When you're going 80 mph and hit a speed bump,
Then the speed bump starts screaming.
When you’re fucking your boss and realize it’s a family business.
When I was a boy, I had a disease that required me to eat dirt three times a day in order to survive... It's a good thing my older brother told me about it.
¿Qué hizo el cartero enojado?
Estampó su feeeeeeet!!!
I wanted to be an astronaut, but my parents always told me when I was little that the sky was the limit.
Once, there was a couple about to have sex. "I have something to confess," said the shy wife. The husband then said, "Whatever it is, I will still love." The wife then said, "Honey, I'm flat chested." The husband said, "It's okay, I'm a baby down there anyways." He then pulled down his pants and began to have sex.
The next day, the wife said, "I thought you were a baby down there." The husband then said, "I am; 22 inches and 7 pounds."
What do you call a Mongolian swindler?
A Khan artist.
Girls are like rocks, the flat ones get skipped.
My wife wanted to make a joke about domestic abuse, but I beat her to it.
Some kids at school made fun of me for playing Halo. I gave them a halo.
My Smoothie Ingredients: - Bananas - Strawberry - The Blood of my ex - Peanut Butter
Are you a Samsung Galaxy Note 7? Because I want to explode in you!
Why is there no toilet paper at KFC?
Because it's finger lickin' good!
I got a new pair of gloves today, but they're both 'lefts,' which, on one hand, is great, but on the other, it's just not right.
"Dick dick dick, fuck dick nugget shit."
What do you call a Native American with a boner?
A redwood.
Did you hear about the constipated mathematician?
He worked it out with a pencil.
Never buy an epileptic kid light-up Sketchers.
When I saw a dead body on the ground and my editor was filming, I told him to censor that a-hole. When I saw the completed product, he censored me. Then I killed him.