Worst Jokes Ever

There's no "I" in team, but there is a "U" in cunt.

God, I miss Stephen Hawking.

He was brainier than Kurt Cobain's ceiling.

A Blonde walks into a hospital claiming that everywhere she touches hurts. So she goes into the examination room and the doctor says, "Okay, I'd like you to point to wherever it hurts." So the Blonde pokes her cheek and says, "Here. Ow." She then pokes her arm and says, "Here. Ow." She then repeats this with different parts of her body until the doctor finally says that she should stop.

The doctor says, "I know what's happened to you." "What's happened to me?" The Blonde says, concerned. The doctor simply replies, "You have a broken finger."

How do you make a plumber sad?

Kill his family.

What did the green grape say to the purple grape?

So there's this uncle of female and male twins, and his sister, the mother of the twins, is stuck trying to think of a name for the children. The uncle says, "I've got an idea!", and the mother gets excited, thinking this could be it. She says, "What should their names be?"

The uncle replies, "Well for your daughter, Denise." "That's a nice name," comments the mother, "but what about my son?" The uncle simply replies, "Denephew".

Why aren't there any closets in southern churches? Closets have coat hangers.

Digging stuff up is too hard.

I guess necrophilia isn’t for everybody.

I started a band called 999 megabytes... we still haven't gotten a gig.

Wanna hear a racist joke?...

Donald Trump.

A wife and husband were setting up their computer, and the husband made the password "my dick." But the wife fell on the floor laughing because the computer said the password was too short.

What does a phone and a grandma have in common? They both die.

What's the difference between them? If you shove something up your grandma's ass, she won't come back to life.

Here’s a trick I learned to do on the calculator.

Sally had 69 boobs (69) which was too too too many (69222), so she went to the doctor on 51st street (6922251), and he said to take a certain pill 8 times a day (6922251 times 8), which left her (flip your calculator over)

Boobless.

What do you call an all-you-can-eat buffet for a pedophile? A school bus.

What's fast and almost got away?

A Mexican jumping the border.

I'd make 9/11 jokes, but they'd just crash and burn.

I should be ashamed of myself for making all these jokes at the expense of the disabled! After all, they can't even stand up for themselves.

If Adolf starred in the Room, his most iconic line would be “I did not Hitler! I did not!”

"You're da bomb!" "No, you're da bomb!"

In America, a compliment. In the Middle East, an argument.

Father: "Son, you were adopted."

Son: "What?! I knew it! I want to meet my biological parents!"

Father: "We are your biological parents. Now pack up, the new ones will pick you up in 20 minutes."