Worst Jokes Ever

The only reason Stephen Hawking died is because he forgot to update to the latest version of Microsoft.

I was rooting for Donald Trump to be president.

We haven't had a presidential assassination in a while.

Wanna hear some famous last words?

"We are just experiencing some turbulence."

So, a woman gets into a car accident and is in the hospital, and the doctor goes on to tell the man what is going on.

Doctor: "So, your wife, she is paralyzed from the neck down."

And as the doctor goes on, he says all the things the man must do for her, like feed her, dress her, etc. Then the man says, "Why, WHY ME!"

Then the doctor leans over and whispers in the man's ear and says, "I'm just fuckin' with you, she's DEAD!"

What do you call a snail without a shell?

Dead.

How are school shooting victims and school shooting jokes similar?

They never get old.

What happened to the terrorist who tried to blow up a bus?

He burnt himself on the exhaust pipe.

Pedophiles are really stupid and need to leave this earth.

I like my women like my cigars: smuggled in from Cuba in a sack.

Did you know that when pigeons have sex, they die?

Really?

Well, the one I fucked did.

What was the last thing that went through JFK's mind? A bullet.

What’s twelve inches and white?

Nothing.

*funny joke about dicks*

Why is Megan a down?

Because her last name is Downy.

I'm fucking retarded.

What's a rapist's favorite scale?

C Minor.

What's the difference between a rabbi and a priest? One cuts them off and one sucks them off.

My favorite sex position is the JFK:

I splatter all over her as she screams and tries to get out of the car.

Kyle's penis is small.

I'll never forget my grandma's last words, "What are you doing in here with that hammer?"